In my previous entries, I have been talking about frustrations, disappointments, doubts, questions.
Tonight, I came across Bo Sanchez's article Have You Surrendered Your Dreams to God?. And many things he said rung true for me. But this line particularly stung:
I want you to say this prayer to God right now: “Lord, I’m trusting you. I’ll still seek my dream with joyful passion, but I will surrender my attachment to the details of my dream. I will open myself to your wonderful surprises.”
Gradually, I am learning how to do this. Ang saya lang ng feeling when, after several disappointments, I realized that I still had the same dreams. But I still need to learn more about being detached, about taking care of myself, about having fun while pursuing what you want.
Yun lang. I'm just enlightened and happy. :)
Have You Surrendered Your Dreams to God
http://bosanchez.ph/have-you-surrendered-your-dreams-to-god/
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Life: Live the Questions
From the outside, it may seem like I have it all (or at least most of it) together. I was doing what I wanted in terms of career and studies. I do have plans, I have an idea what I want to do next. Etc.
Pero to be honest, while I am certain about the 10%, I am at a loss what to do with the 90%. I was actually making as little commitments as possible, because I was teaching myself to rest, that it's okay not to be an achiever all the time, that I need to take good care of myself as well.
But I am in search of something else. The not-so-happy part is, I don't know what. And this is not even something new. I have felt this before. And it's the same feeling behind some of the risks I have taken before. There's just that nagging feeling that you are in search of something. But you are clueless, and sometimes, the only thing you are certain of is that you need to make major changes in your life, because you need to begin another journey. But then that's it.
Thing is, I feel that same restlessness in the past days, right after several days, or weeks, of feeling frustrated by many things.
I hate these kinds of uncertainties. I just wish for the answer to fall from the heavens. What am I looking for? What am I in search of?
I remember now Rainer Maria Rilke's letter to a young poet. The translation of his letter read:
...I would like to beg you dear Sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.
Yes, I am trying to live the questions, although I still prefer getting the answers NOW. I am changing, and I know it. I wish I could tell people why I am doing this, why I am not doing that. I know I am already hurting people, or it seems like I am pushing them away.
I'm really sorry. I am just as restless as ever. I need the space and the time, and your understanding.
I hope this "live your questions" quest leads me somewhere. Oh, well. Sometimes, I just wish to be like other people out there, living simple, uncomplicated lives, following the usual cycle of life. Why can't I be like them? Why do I have this feeling I'm diverting from the usual cycle, from the usual expectations?
Hay, something else will make me happy. Oh well, no sense in insisting to be where you do not fit. I need to find my own place, and design my own life. God, I hope to find people who will guide me on this one. :( And I hope it's not what just popped in my head! Argh. No!
Pero to be honest, while I am certain about the 10%, I am at a loss what to do with the 90%. I was actually making as little commitments as possible, because I was teaching myself to rest, that it's okay not to be an achiever all the time, that I need to take good care of myself as well.
But I am in search of something else. The not-so-happy part is, I don't know what. And this is not even something new. I have felt this before. And it's the same feeling behind some of the risks I have taken before. There's just that nagging feeling that you are in search of something. But you are clueless, and sometimes, the only thing you are certain of is that you need to make major changes in your life, because you need to begin another journey. But then that's it.
Thing is, I feel that same restlessness in the past days, right after several days, or weeks, of feeling frustrated by many things.
I hate these kinds of uncertainties. I just wish for the answer to fall from the heavens. What am I looking for? What am I in search of?
I remember now Rainer Maria Rilke's letter to a young poet. The translation of his letter read:
...I would like to beg you dear Sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.
Yes, I am trying to live the questions, although I still prefer getting the answers NOW. I am changing, and I know it. I wish I could tell people why I am doing this, why I am not doing that. I know I am already hurting people, or it seems like I am pushing them away.
I'm really sorry. I am just as restless as ever. I need the space and the time, and your understanding.
I hope this "live your questions" quest leads me somewhere. Oh, well. Sometimes, I just wish to be like other people out there, living simple, uncomplicated lives, following the usual cycle of life. Why can't I be like them? Why do I have this feeling I'm diverting from the usual cycle, from the usual expectations?
Hay, something else will make me happy. Oh well, no sense in insisting to be where you do not fit. I need to find my own place, and design my own life. God, I hope to find people who will guide me on this one. :( And I hope it's not what just popped in my head! Argh. No!
Monday, July 11, 2011
Do I Trust You Lord?
I've been playing this song over and over again. Because I keep asking myself, after the disappointments, how do I get up and trust you again, Lord? Do I trust you? Do I still believe you have good plans for my life?
I do want to trust you again. Pero ang sakit lang kasing masaktan ulit.
TWILA PARIS
"Do I Trust You LORD?"
Sometimes my little heart can't understand
"What's in Your will, what's in Your plan?"
So many times I'm tempted to ask You why,
But I can never forget it for long.
Lord, what You do could not be wrong.
So I believe You, even when I must cry.
Do I trust You, Lord?
Does the river flow?
Do I trust You, Lord?
Does the north wind blow?
You can see my heart,
You can read my mind,
And You got to know
That I would rather die
Than to lose my faith
In the One I love.
Do I trust You, Lord?
Do I trust You?
I know the answers, I've given them all.
But suddenly now, I feel so small.
Shaken down to the cavity in my soul.
I know the doctrine and theology,
But right now they don't mean much to me.
This time there's only one thing I've got to know.
Do I trust You, Lord?
Does the robin sing?
Do I trust You, Lord?
Does it rain in spring?
You can see my heart,
You can read my mind,
And You got to know
That I would rather die
Than to lose my faith
In the One I love.
Do I trust You, Lord?
Do I trust You?
I will trust You, Lord, when I don't know why.
I will trust You, Lord, till the day I die.
I will trust You, Lord, when I'm blind with pain!
You were God before, and You'll never change.
I will trust You.
I will trust You.
I will trust You, Lord.
I will trust You.
I do want to trust you again. Pero ang sakit lang kasing masaktan ulit.
TWILA PARIS
"Do I Trust You LORD?"
Sometimes my little heart can't understand
"What's in Your will, what's in Your plan?"
So many times I'm tempted to ask You why,
But I can never forget it for long.
Lord, what You do could not be wrong.
So I believe You, even when I must cry.
Do I trust You, Lord?
Does the river flow?
Do I trust You, Lord?
Does the north wind blow?
You can see my heart,
You can read my mind,
And You got to know
That I would rather die
Than to lose my faith
In the One I love.
Do I trust You, Lord?
Do I trust You?
I know the answers, I've given them all.
But suddenly now, I feel so small.
Shaken down to the cavity in my soul.
I know the doctrine and theology,
But right now they don't mean much to me.
This time there's only one thing I've got to know.
Do I trust You, Lord?
Does the robin sing?
Do I trust You, Lord?
Does it rain in spring?
You can see my heart,
You can read my mind,
And You got to know
That I would rather die
Than to lose my faith
In the One I love.
Do I trust You, Lord?
Do I trust You?
I will trust You, Lord, when I don't know why.
I will trust You, Lord, till the day I die.
I will trust You, Lord, when I'm blind with pain!
You were God before, and You'll never change.
I will trust You.
I will trust You.
I will trust You, Lord.
I will trust You.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
"When push comes to shove, you taste what you're made of..." It's a line from a song I liked.
But right now, I do not feel the message that song was supposed to send out. Pretty soon, I'm going to either snap or shut down. And probably the only things that's holding me together are (1) the few people who had been my sounding board lately; (2) my warrior spirit, although my well of hope had started drying up a long time ago; (3) my hope that God will reverse my misfortunes.
I honestly never realized that my decisions to pursue my dreams, be responsible, and make things easier for others will put me in this position. Ever. And I still do not see a clear sign that says: "Sure way out."
Pressure is coming from almost all directions. I am trying to bend without breaking. But damn it, if I get out of all these mess alive, I will never never forget this period of my life. Never.
Now, I will start making changes I need to make to get out of this alive. It will not be easy for me, and it will probably be even harder to people who would see me change. Pasensiya na, but there are lessons we all need to learn the hard way. I am really trying my best for my love to be both tough but gentle. Sana lang, I will always have a source of love and strength. Because right now, mine is running dry.
Pero what's new? Hindi naman ito first time na sinagad ako ng life. Pero sana sapat na yung mga dati. Hindi ko na kailangan malaman hanggang saan ako tatagal. Hindi na ako interested malaman. And what probably hurts most is pag wala ka halos masandalan, tapos kailangan mo pang maging matatag para sa iba.
Gusto kong sumigaw sa sobrang frustration! Oo na di perfect ang buhay. Pero naman! Sana pag sagad na tama na!
Pero shempre kailangan kong kumalma, at ngumiti. Kasi in a few minutes, I have a work-related meeting.
But right now, I do not feel the message that song was supposed to send out. Pretty soon, I'm going to either snap or shut down. And probably the only things that's holding me together are (1) the few people who had been my sounding board lately; (2) my warrior spirit, although my well of hope had started drying up a long time ago; (3) my hope that God will reverse my misfortunes.
I honestly never realized that my decisions to pursue my dreams, be responsible, and make things easier for others will put me in this position. Ever. And I still do not see a clear sign that says: "Sure way out."
Pressure is coming from almost all directions. I am trying to bend without breaking. But damn it, if I get out of all these mess alive, I will never never forget this period of my life. Never.
Now, I will start making changes I need to make to get out of this alive. It will not be easy for me, and it will probably be even harder to people who would see me change. Pasensiya na, but there are lessons we all need to learn the hard way. I am really trying my best for my love to be both tough but gentle. Sana lang, I will always have a source of love and strength. Because right now, mine is running dry.
Pero what's new? Hindi naman ito first time na sinagad ako ng life. Pero sana sapat na yung mga dati. Hindi ko na kailangan malaman hanggang saan ako tatagal. Hindi na ako interested malaman. And what probably hurts most is pag wala ka halos masandalan, tapos kailangan mo pang maging matatag para sa iba.
Gusto kong sumigaw sa sobrang frustration! Oo na di perfect ang buhay. Pero naman! Sana pag sagad na tama na!
Pero shempre kailangan kong kumalma, at ngumiti. Kasi in a few minutes, I have a work-related meeting.
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