Life: Broken Pieces of Glass

I am dedicating this post to each one out there who belongs to a broken family.

I spent Christmas thinking about my life, what I need to change, what I need to maintain.

I am 28 now. For the most part of those almost three decades of existence, the only thing I wanted was a real home. I grew up seeing my parents fight over the pettiest to the most important decisions, throwing painful words at each other. You see the respect and love they had for one another slip away, one piece at a time. And you can guess that by this time, they just looked like two old volcanoes erupting almost everyday. Love and respect almost totally gone.

We've done almost everything we could--prayer, shed tears, talk to them (calmly to angrily), leave the house. Name all the drama you can think of. We spent so many days not wanting to go home. Or waking up to a new problem or drama the next day.

But for some unknown reason, I'd regard this as a miracle, my siblings and I somehow survived with our hearts bruised but our sanity intact.

But why am I telling you all these? Because while I know my sister is still praying for a miracle, I'm deciding to pray for something else.

I would compare my family to a broken glass. Too much energies have been spent trying to put back the pieces, when the two most important piece would not really want to be mended. So the pieces of broken glass remain lying that way.

Now, I will no longer make any efforts to put the broken glass together. But I promise to love each broken piece of glass, because each one is a loved one who took care of me and somehow molded me into who I am now. I will love each broken piece, and even if it cuts and injures me, I will no longer run away.

And if someone asks to meet my family, I will not present a typical family -- one that is whole. I will introduce him to each broken piece of glass. And if he can love each broken piece, I included, then, he's the one.

Books: Sam's Letter to Jennifer by James Patterson

Let me just list down some of my favorite quotes from the book. I really liked the story, moreso the message. Parang this is exactly what I had to read about at this point in my life.

"Whether it is as fleeting as the sun-kissed days of summer or lasts nearly the length of a lifetime, love is always worth it."

"I want to ramble on a little about the importance of second, and even third, chances. I was helping out in the library one day, when a bookmark fell from the pages of a novel. Actually, it was a handwritten note, a quote attributed to a Father Alfred D'Souza. D'Souza had written, "For a long time, it had seemed to me that life was about to begin--real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be got through first, some unfinished business, some time to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life."

"Don't shut out love for good. I couldn't feel this more strongly, my sweet, smart girl. It's why I'm writing these letters to you. Please don't shut out love--it's the best thing about life."

"Sam's eyes stayed on Brendan. 'Fight it,' she whispered. 'I did.'"

"Life is coming together beautifully, Jennifer. Life does that sometimes."

"And I told you that living life was like putting the beach into a jar. The point wasn't to fit everything in; it was to attend to the most important things first--the big, beautiful rocks, the most valuable people and experiences--and fit the lesser things in around them. Otherwise, the best things might get left out."

Life: Writing, Reading, Sipping Tea

Wow, it's been a month na pala since my last entry.

Today is 11 December, a Sunday. It's 1:30am. I am sitting at the dining area in our boarding house.

I just came home from Starbucks, where I sat for more than two hours, sipping tea while writing on my journal and reading "Sam's Letters to Jennifer" by James Patterson. After working for almost 3 weeks straight, I felt all the exhaustion only today. I slept the entire day; this rendezvous at Starbucks is another way to spoil myself.

It was just the rest I needed. I wrote calmly in my journal, and read my entry after I finished the novel. My handwriting was neat, and the entry, calm but honest. I had the time to really think some things through, and I don't mean just the guy who bothers my world, but more important stuffs and decisions I had to make.

The journal entry was like an "accounting" of my life now vis-a-vis where I had wanted to be. In some aspects, i got exactly what I wanted. But in others, I was nowhere near. And then, there were things I had to admit I only thought I wanted, but deep deep down, I am not ready for them.

This has to be one of my best journal entries. There were two lessons/realizations which finally had to sink in.

From one Christian activity I attended, one of the leaders said that God will not always move our mountains, but He will give us the strength to overcome them. Since I was a little girl, I had this one prayer. It was not granted, and it has not been granted so far. But it was important to me. Siguro, this is the point of surrender. I am no longer praying for things to change, just for me and my family to be stronger to face it. Now that I've said that, I actually felt more at peace. It's not lack of faith when You finally surrender something so important to you to God. I'd say it's trust. Faith.

When I finished reading the novel, I was also reminded of another realization I had one First Friday Mass where I read the First reading and responsorial psalm. Life may not always turn out the way we wanted or expected, but in the end, we will still be okay. We will do well. We will be alright.

So, as I made an accounting of my life, and realized that some things are not happening the way I had hoped, I assured myself: "Everything will be alright. God will take care of it."