See Me Standing

See Me Standing

There comes a time when you realize
That the best thing to do was to do nothing
To stand still and strong
To not break
To survive the storm
It was not a problem for you to solve
But a situation to live through

A head bowed in surrender
A heart submitted to an indecipherable will
A spirit ready to face tomorrow
Even if tomorrow was not what you had hoped it would be
To live through moments
Of confusion, after a dream has crashed to the ground

My life is not as a blank canvass
Which I alone could write on
My life is a story told
By marks left by many, scarred by paint carelessly splashed on its surface
And I write on the remaining spaces
Overwrite the paints
And try to make sense of what it's become

I am a broken soul
Of a spirit that has fought its heart out
It was never easy to be me
But yes, I'd rather hit bottom this hard
Than to realize I had been simply standing on it all along
Untouched by pain, and also by purpose

I have to push myself off the ground
And remain standing
For what, for whom, for how long
To where next, I am not certain
But for now
I just want this storm to see me standing

Faith: Putting God in the Equation

If I had been Jonah, I would have been swallowed by the whale, many many times over, for more than a decade. Tired of seeing me, the whale might have been, more than once tempted to eat me or feed me to sharks.

You see, I keep walking away from God. I have trust issues with someone who doesn't follow exactly what I want when I want it.

Besides that, I really have a hard time trying to understand what they teach in Theology about Him. Kind of tough especially as I come from a discipline where you have to argue, provide evidence/proof, explain things, etc.

Basta. In today's age, it's so difficult to believe He has a hand/he participates in our reality. Come on! When you see an old woman, sitting by a highway, begging everyday, seemingly uncared for and unhappy. When you hear of children kidnapped or raped. When you learn of families barely having anything to eat. Of millions uneducated and unemployed. WHERE THE HECK IS GOD?!

I raised this topic, not because I finally have an answer (HOW I WISH I DO!!!!!!!). But because I am hoping that this is the last time I get swallowed by a whale. I think I've had enough "callings" to finally get the point.

I used to have faith. Until life became too tough, and I could not figure out how to match my belief in God, and my belief that he's taking care of me, to what was going on around me. I asked questions, read books outside the Catholic faith, attended other religions. And also lost faith. Joined religious secular groups. Lost faith. That was the cycle--I know I'm being called back, then I'd try to go back. Something happens and I lose faith or forget about God.

Within the past 2 months, I've had really tough experiences. One was when I got sick while on a mountain climbing trip. I really thought I would not survive until morning. The other was only recently, when I was so stressed out that even if I had already ranted, and cried, I still couldn't figure out what to do. The three most important aspects of my life were 1. still quite chaotic, 2. zero/nothing good seems to be happening, and 3. the only aspect that I thought was going well, and thus was my comfort zone, was pulled from under my feet.

So when everything you thought was stable, or should be stable, is just taken away from you, that's so tough. And I was ranting, fuming, feeling nauseous, having a headache, a backache, chest pain. Almost happening all at the same time.

Then, I attended the Feast in Taytay. Guess what? The topic was BOUNCE. Bouncing back after troubles come. I was like, "Lord, you wanted me to be here."

Next, I was so suplada because I was fuming. I couldn't understand why God would let all these things happen to me. After everything I went through, all the sacrifices I made! No fair! Guess what. The guy sitting next to me, the handsome guy with a very warm smile, I was later on informed, was actually a leader in a religious secular community. I told them I saw him, I think he was crying, and he left the venue quickly before the prayer meeting ended. I was informed that he lost his girlfriend of 5 years to lupus.

So, another thing I can't figure out was how a guy who lost someone and could never get her back, would be sitting next to me in a prayer gathering, smiling at us, laughing at the speaker's jokes, AND continue serving God. GOD TOOK AWAY HIS LOVED ONE! Is he not angry? Oh, please!

Whether we went through that phase or not, I guess I would not know. But if someone could have such faith, I ask myself, WHY COULDN'T I.

I know of another social development worker, who lost his mother and daughter when burglars burned their home. I asked him, if I remember it correctly, if he ever was angry with God. He said, "No."

I could not believe it. But I have to. These are real people. You can sense lies. You can sense if it was all pretension. But people observed, and saw how they rose, or try to rise up everyday. And how they laugh, and share some happiness to those around them. Honestly, I still don't understand.

Last night, my sister advised me to see myself as an instrument of God. And when you're an instrument, and you don't know what to do next, you're supposed to lift it up to God.

With my trust issues, with my uncertainties, with my theology questions, with my usual katigasan ng ulo, I honestly don't know how to begin.

But then again, since I can't figure that out, that makes it God's assignment. I'm just supposed to do what I can.

And now I know that in spite everything that pulled me away from religion, life is still a lot more bearable when you know God is part of the equation. That he's there. That he's in charge. That he know's what's going on, and he's there walking with you. That you're doing things for Him. I cannot make sense of anything unless I believe there's a God, and I am serving Him in whatever way I can.

Well, now, I surely hope not to be a lost sheep once more.

When I look back at my life, I realize I have been watched over and taken care of. Many times. By men and women who serve Him. I couldn't believe it too. But I'm just glad he hasn't given up after more than a decade. After all those times someone brought me to a prayer meeting, a religious activity, or advised me to trust him, surrender to him, to pray. I know I'm being called.

I can only give a timid "yes." Even when I'm not sure what the first step is even supposed to be.

Life: Perfect

There was something I realized after watching The Avengers with friends. That is, apart from realizing that I really love Jeremy Renner as an actor, and he is one of very few actors/singers who, if I meet them in person, I'd really ask to have a photo taken with that IRREGARDLESS OF WHAT OTHERS WOULD THINK OR SAY. (That short list includes him of course, Jason Mraz, James Morrison, and Coco Martin. Maybe Christina Aguilera as well.)

Someone made a remark a while ago, something women would find offensive. And I was a bit angry. Then after the movie, I looked up Jeremy Renner on the Internet, and read a few quotes, supposedly from him, about life, fear, love, among other things.

And I was reminded of that quote "life does not have to be perfect in order to be beautiful."

Exactly.

Life need not change or be different for me to be happy. I ought to accept it as it is, then decide what to do about it. And always always, make the most out of it. Be more fearless, I guess.

As one quote goes: "The grass is not, in fact, always greener on the other side of the fence. Fences have nothing to do with it. The grass is greenest where it is watered. When crossing over fences, carry water with you and tend the grass wherever you may be." —Robert Fulghum, It Was on Fire When I Lay Down on It

Life: Spoiling yourself a bit with a hair spa and massage... and a book :)

I was done with my liquidation! One major task down, 4 major reports to go. :)

That might still sound like a lot of work, but I just want to celebrate every major milestone.

After going to the office and the mall for some errands, I went to the salon to have a haircut. I had my long hair cut really short last January, reasoning that a short hair is easier to manage. Besides, I didn't want to have my hair rebonded ... yet. I didn't realize (until the following day, I guess) that a short hair, unless you have super soft, silky hair, is actually harder to tame. And it needs maintenance more frequently.

So, imagine my short hair flying away at the back of my neck. That forced me to go to the salon.

And while waiting, I decided to have hot oil treatment. When the stylist was already cutting my hair, I was convinced hair spa would be better.

So I sat there, for a full 30 minutes. After cutting and washing my hair, the stylist applied the treatment and massaged my head and neck.

WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I loved it so much, and I thought the next time I feel stressed out, I'd go have a hair spa!

And after that massage, I took out a fiction book a friend lent me, and read and read until he came back. (The other night I was thinking how reading a fiction book again made me realize how boring my life had been in the past few months, or had it been over a year, when I held only nonfiction books and papers.)

Yun lang. That's my first hair spa ever. Gosh, I'm never really the girly, fashionable type. And I don't really cherish spending time in spas or salons. And I definitely don't splurge on beauty products. (Well, "rarely" might be more accurate.)

And I'm so happy. A bit more of rest and I'm ready to work again.

Yes, I know it's a Saturday night. But just the thought that I'm closer to getting another major task done and off my desk, my head, and my heart, is enough to keep me going.

Getting enough rest and finding simple ways to spoil myself keeps me from burning out. Gosh, why did it take me so long to realize this?

Oh, and in case someone who comes across this blog is wondering what's the name of the salon, it's Kaya, along Maginhawa St., Quezon City.

My housemate loved my more feminine look. She said I don't look like a guy anymore. :P

Life: Define Success

As may be obvious from my previous post, I am trying to figure out how to make the work-life balance thing work, and trying to find out what would give me the most satisfaction--where I can say this is how I wish to live my life--and steer my life towards that direction.

Well, I came across this talk by John Wooden, a teacher and a basketball coach. He talked about true success. His tips are pretty simple, though of course still hard to live by. His talk, well, he looked boring at first, but it's actually a humorous talk, and easy to understand. Grabe, he's simply one of the smartest senior citizens I have heard so far.

My favorite quotes from the talk are:

• "Never try to be better than someone else. ... Never cease trying to be the best you can be."
• "Never be late." and
• those on having patience and keeping the faith.

If you have about 20 minutes to spare, watch this video. If not, just read the transcript. (Click the interactive script button at the bottom of the video.)

http://www.ted.com/talks/john_wooden_on_the_difference_between_winning_and_success.html

Enjoy!

Work: Life Starts at 30

I am a researcher, and by my institution's standards, especially if I use as standard my mentor, I have a looooooong way to go to prove that I am really competent in this field. But I am lucky to have had good training, and several opportunities, many of which overwhelmed me, to improve or prove that I can be trusted with greater responsibilities, that I can be trained to handle more.

And for all these, for this phase of my life, I am truly grateful. I really am. Not everyone is given a chance to pursue a dream, and not everyone who pursues her dream gets there. So I consider myself a lucky one.

But a year and a half before I turn 30, in the last few months, or has it been years, I realize that while my career zoomed, other aspects of my life were almost on a stand still. Siguro, when I also moved to a boarding house, and took more risks in life, met some people who made me realize there is so much more to life than work. When people told me before that I am workaholic, I readily admit that I am. But I am getting to a point when I realize how much I have missed and am missing. My world, especially some parts of last year, literally revolved around my job. It was a crucial turning point for my career, and it was also a crucial turning point for how I would see my work and my life afterwards.

In the past, I want to do research, do development work. That was as clear to my mind as anything that I can see with my glasses on on a bright morning. I just loved it.

But now, my dreams shifted a bit. I love my flexible work hours (flexible meaning you don't have to always work in the office but you have to be ready to work more hours, or on weekends if the job calls for it). I love learning. I love going out. I just love it. But now, I also dream of hanging out with friends any day of the week, going out with my family, climbing mountains, jogging, getting involved in more physical activities, relaxing and having fun. All these things which I find so hard to incorporate into my life now because I lacked both the MONEY and the TIME.

Life at 30 is still vague. I kept saying I'd go abroad and be a fruit picker or work in a bar, serving either coffee or wine. I'd take a job that will not take away my nights and my weekends, and will not lead to the abuse of my brain cells. That's as clear as I could go. I also told a friend, I love my job, but if I cannot figure out a way to do this AND have a really fun life, something's got to give.

I know it is scary. I don't even know how to strike that work-life balance people always talk about while still earning decently. I don't really know what to do. But I am very certain this is not the way I want to live. I am not losing another relative or friend and go through feelings of guilt that I wish I had spent more time with them.

And the more I am able to savor life and spend more time having fun with friends, the more I realize I want this work-life balance dream to come true. At 30. Or better yet, at 29. Or even better yet, NOW. Because I might not even have tomorrow.

Oh, and by the way, I know it's midweek, but yesterday, after meeting up with my friend for an errand, we had dinner and watched Safe House. I ended up too tired to do anything productive when I got home. And just tonight, I was so disappointed with a person (work related stuff) I met up with friends to rant, and drank a bottle of beer (they chose Tanduay Ice and Antonov Ice). One lang naman. And we laughed while planning something. Something I look forward to. :)

Sweet life.

And the work I postponed doing? It was always at the back of my head. I know this has its consequences, but I needed to laugh, I needed to cheer up, I needed to be with people.

Later, I'll do that job again. And do it well.

Work: A Researcher's Confession

A more flexible schedule than what others have.

A more lenient working environment.

Working outside the office. Travelling. Going places. Learning something new about the world, about the research community, almost everyday.

Talking to people from all walks of life.

Laughter. Food trip.

Spending days, even weeks in communities as you do your research.

My work as research in the social development realm has been an exciting one.

But much as I love this job, I do go through low points as well.

When I have to deal with people I don't feel comfortable dealing with.

When I have to be on fieldwork on a rainy or a hot summer day.

When flexi-time also means waking up too early or working til late night, and even on weekends and holidays.

When you start feeling like the pay is not catching up with inflation, or no longer compensates for all the pagod.

When, after several days of fieldwork, and with several issues still cropping up but had to be dealt with, you are just tired, quite frustrated (with yourself, with others, with the world), and tanned (i.e., you had too much exposure to the sun your lotion's SPF was no match to the demands of your work, and you forgot to bring your umbrella).

Yun lang. Maybe, after I've had enough rest and sleep, I'd feel better.

And it really helps to have great people around you.

And despite all the frustrations, you find yourself in the desk, doing your field notes. Keeping track of field expenses. Answering your boss' email. And taking note of to-do's for tomorrow.

Yeah, despite all my complaints and my rants that I'd be a barista na lang next time, I love this job. And that is something I hope to always remember, even if one day I decide to take another path.

Food: Lydia's in Noveleta, Cavite

One of the best things about being on fieldwork, especially outside Metro Manila, is the food.

My officemate and I were recently assigned to a research site in Cavite. Noveleta, a municipality in Cavite, is one of our stops, as this is where the bus drops us off and then we take the minibus to our research area.

Colleagues from the agency we were working with introduced us to Lydia's, an airconditoned eatery only about a block away from the Noveleta municipal hall. I think their fried chicken is even better than McDonald's or Jollibee's. And their pancit, which they had in different varieties, was also good. And we also loved the chicaro with liver. Super. The chicharo was crunchy, cooked just right, and they had a generous serving of liver.

We've been there several times already. Maybe next time we'll try other food on their menu. :) And there's a tapsilog-an nearby, we were told. Hmm, we'll try that one of these days. Anyway, we will be there till the end of the year!

Pictures will have to follow at another time. I do not have the energy to upload them now. :))

Contentment: Icing on top of an already delicious cake

For most of my life, I believed I should strive to be a better person. So I worked hard. I always had a list of goals. Even if people would say I'm good at something, I did not feel contented. I wanted to be even better.

As you age, hehe, I think you just get tired of the race. And you reach a point when you realize that there is no such destination as "perfect" and "good enough."

And one of the best blessings I've had lately, I guess, is the feeling that I do not have to be perfect, I do not have to have it all. This is enough. I have enough. I am enough.

Like when a guy from another agency we were working with pointed out I have new "nunal" on my face, referring to my pimple. And I just brushed off his remark. I was quite pissed off, because that was the second time he was making remarks on my physical imperfections. But it revealed less about me, but more about himself and the way he sees or assesses other people.

But what surprised me about this is the way I reacted to his remark. Before, this would have made me feel self-conscious or would have started my mind into going through a long list of what I believe are my flaws. But now, I cared less. I know I am not a very eye-catching or attractive lady. But I am happy with what I have, and have vowed to make the most out of it.

That feeling of being enough definitely beats having the beauty of a top model. :P

And I'd like to share this post I read. It resonates with the message of this post. http://zenhabits.net/improve/

I know I will not stop working to be better. As my responsibilities grow, there are skills and aspects of my character I need to develop further to be able to do my job well. But I hope never to forget that I am enough right now, and I'd like to move forward from a place of confidence in what I can do, from a sense of "enough-ness" rather than from a feeling of lack and of not being good enough. And I hope to keep in mind that whatever new skills I learn, whatever changes I introduce into my life, they are merely icing on top of an already delicious cake.

This, whatever "this" is, is perfect

This morning, I was feeling tired and a bit sick. And I guess it did affect my mood. I was wishing several things about my life were different.

Then I read this post. And the timing couldn't have been more perfect. Whatever I need to do or am doing now is simply exactly what I need to do.

Lovely thought.

http://zenhabits.net/happy/

Happy Sunday!

Food: Sinigang

This was quite an exhausting but another fulfilling and fun fieldwork day at Cavite.

Pero I managed to cook something for my dinner. Well, I've been planning to cook sinigang since last week, but couldn't find the time. Tonight, I resolved I will either eat canned goods or cook and eat something more decent and healthy.

This is not my first sinigang, but this is the first decent one, if I remember it correctly. Tama lang ang asim at alat sa panlasa ko. Siguro mas mainam kung mas malambot pa nang onti ang meat.

Pero all in all, masarap siya.

At shempre, I got a complement from my housemate. For the effort I put into trying to learn how to cook. Ehem. Well, that really made me feel better.

At least may guts na kong magluto at magkamali. Who ever said nerds are only good in school? And why the heck did I avoid cooking during home economics classes in high school? Tsk, shouldn't have. If I had even showered cooking a bit of my risk taker attitude (which I think I only used in pursuing my dreams), hay naku, I'd be cooking special dishes by now.

Pero ok lang. One step at a time.

Last year I learned I can jog more than 2 kilometers nonstop.

This year, I had the guts to say: I can learn how to cook!

Looking forward to breaking more of those limiting beliefs I have about myself. :))

But it really helps when you can finally tell yourself: okay lang magkamali. Di masamang pumalpak sa kusina.

And in my case tonight, I have backup food, just in case my sinigang turns out to be "not for human consumption." :)

An Upset Stomach on a Rainy Day

As we begin another research project, today's meeting was supposed to be among the most important activities we have to observe. The meeting is 8am. Travel time to the venue is more than 2 hours.

So, at 5am, I knew my stomach's in no condition, and I was feeling dizzy but I still dragged myself out of bed. It was raining and it's February, so it's quite cold as I hurriedly took a shower. Because it's cold and I'm going to be late and I want to be at the MRT station before the rush hour.

I took a cab to the train station. I was hoping that after I drink softdrinks (which had been my sort of remedy in the past for situations like this) I'd be fine. But it didn't work. Dizzy and still couldn't stand for too long. I went back to the boarding house just in time to, you know. Hehehe. I told my research partner I can't come, so she went on her own.

I spent the entire morning in bed, feeling weak and with a bad headache. But I got up around lunchtime because I have a meeting in the afternoon.

I was feeling quite better by then. The research meeting was fun. And we were asked to attend a talk to about Jesuit education in the 1800s. That was quite informative.

For dinner, I had soup and scrambled eggs. Now I'm taking coffee. Not my usual dinner. But I think my stomach's not yet ready to "work hard" so I need to eat less tonight.

Oh, and it was still raining when we left the office. Till I got home. And I forgot my keys so I had to call my housemate to have the door opened.

Yes, this is not my idea of a perfect day. But somehow, I just feel happy. Blessed. And I can't understand why. I was a little bit irritated also about a slight problem a while ago.

I guess you just have to go with the ebb and flow of life. Everything will still be alright.

And it helps to have positive and fun and simply great people around you. They cheer you up. And they lighten the load.

The Simple Life

Today, I decided to change my blog's title and layout to be more consistent with my recent goal.

I wanted to learn to live simply and CALMLY. I have been reading posts from zenhabits.net, and have been trying to follow some of the blogger's tips, including starting your day early and calmly, keeping things tidy, cutting your to-do list.

And I'd have to say I'm happier. With how I'm spending each day for the past two weeks. Of course at times I still feel the urge to try pack too many tasks within a short span of time. And I still can't wake up early. But I'm trying. And doing better. (hehehe)

Sana tuloy-tuloy na ito. I love this sane life I have right now. It's more productive, happier, more calm. :)

Others: 1.5 rounds, roughly 3 k

I have to put this on record. Ehem.

Last Thursday and Sunday, I was able to jog, non-stop, around UP's oval. 1 1/2 rounds. The last time I was able to do this, I was already ready to collapse, but last week, I was VERY tired but at least I did not feel as weak as before.

1 1/2 rounds is roughly about 3 kilometers. :) To someone who did not really grow up loving or performing well in PE, this is an achievement! Before, I could only run for a few meters, then I'd stop. I can't go beyond 500 meters. Lalo naman 1 k. So... :)))

Yun lang. Just felt happy. I am tempted to push myself further and jog nonstop for 2 rounds. But I know I'm not supposed to. Minsan, rushing to get things done or to get better takes the fun out of what you wish to do/accomplish. At least this is true for me.

Oh well, got to get moving. It's a beautiful Monday morning. I hope to make more progress writing those overdue reports. :)

Life: This is Enough

Just a short note. Isa kasi sa New Year's resolution ko ay bawal nang mag-process or mag-isip nang malalim tungkol sa mga bagay-bagay. Well, at least di kasing dalas ng dati.

Naramdaman ko lang kanina na parang kahit alam kong di lahat ng prayers ko natutupad, at maraming bagay na wala ako, there's just that feeling of contentment. You feel that everything you need has been given to you. That the seeds that will lead you to accomplish your dreams are already with you. That you can be happy with the way things are right now, even if things are not perfect.

For this moment, this is enough. I have enough. I am enough.

And to the Creator, let me just say: "Thank you."

Work: Beating a Deadline

I am currently writing the first draft of the analysis and conclusion and appendix part of our final report. I need to finish this before 10pm (it's 5:30pm) because the printing shop will close at 10pm, and I need the printout by 8am tomorrow. So in short, I shouldn't be blogging.

Pero wala lang. Just wanted to write about how I feel right now. I told myself, "finish this na, so later I can watch a movie." And besides, tomorrow is supposed to be a fun day. I have a meeting with my boss. Well, that's not supposed to be fun because she would be giving her comments to on the draft reports I did. That stage usually kills my self-esteem, before it can rise from the ashes and commit to doing the revisions and producing a better report.

But it's supposed to be fun too because my boss has a trip to NHA resettlement sites in Bulacan, and I have never been to those areas. Yun lang. I wanted to go there. I wanted to see what life is like. I've been to only a few resettlement areas, and I didn't get a chance to stay long to observe. So tomorrow, I can do just that. Then, in between site visits, my boss will be "judging" my draft report.

Maybe I should really get a lot of sleep tonight. I have to be physically, mentally, and emotionally prepared for tomorrow.

In the meantime, I'm going back to my report. Writing this blog only took about 5 minutes! :)