Faith: Putting God in the Equation

If I had been Jonah, I would have been swallowed by the whale, many many times over, for more than a decade. Tired of seeing me, the whale might have been, more than once tempted to eat me or feed me to sharks.

You see, I keep walking away from God. I have trust issues with someone who doesn't follow exactly what I want when I want it.

Besides that, I really have a hard time trying to understand what they teach in Theology about Him. Kind of tough especially as I come from a discipline where you have to argue, provide evidence/proof, explain things, etc.

Basta. In today's age, it's so difficult to believe He has a hand/he participates in our reality. Come on! When you see an old woman, sitting by a highway, begging everyday, seemingly uncared for and unhappy. When you hear of children kidnapped or raped. When you learn of families barely having anything to eat. Of millions uneducated and unemployed. WHERE THE HECK IS GOD?!

I raised this topic, not because I finally have an answer (HOW I WISH I DO!!!!!!!). But because I am hoping that this is the last time I get swallowed by a whale. I think I've had enough "callings" to finally get the point.

I used to have faith. Until life became too tough, and I could not figure out how to match my belief in God, and my belief that he's taking care of me, to what was going on around me. I asked questions, read books outside the Catholic faith, attended other religions. And also lost faith. Joined religious secular groups. Lost faith. That was the cycle--I know I'm being called back, then I'd try to go back. Something happens and I lose faith or forget about God.

Within the past 2 months, I've had really tough experiences. One was when I got sick while on a mountain climbing trip. I really thought I would not survive until morning. The other was only recently, when I was so stressed out that even if I had already ranted, and cried, I still couldn't figure out what to do. The three most important aspects of my life were 1. still quite chaotic, 2. zero/nothing good seems to be happening, and 3. the only aspect that I thought was going well, and thus was my comfort zone, was pulled from under my feet.

So when everything you thought was stable, or should be stable, is just taken away from you, that's so tough. And I was ranting, fuming, feeling nauseous, having a headache, a backache, chest pain. Almost happening all at the same time.

Then, I attended the Feast in Taytay. Guess what? The topic was BOUNCE. Bouncing back after troubles come. I was like, "Lord, you wanted me to be here."

Next, I was so suplada because I was fuming. I couldn't understand why God would let all these things happen to me. After everything I went through, all the sacrifices I made! No fair! Guess what. The guy sitting next to me, the handsome guy with a very warm smile, I was later on informed, was actually a leader in a religious secular community. I told them I saw him, I think he was crying, and he left the venue quickly before the prayer meeting ended. I was informed that he lost his girlfriend of 5 years to lupus.

So, another thing I can't figure out was how a guy who lost someone and could never get her back, would be sitting next to me in a prayer gathering, smiling at us, laughing at the speaker's jokes, AND continue serving God. GOD TOOK AWAY HIS LOVED ONE! Is he not angry? Oh, please!

Whether we went through that phase or not, I guess I would not know. But if someone could have such faith, I ask myself, WHY COULDN'T I.

I know of another social development worker, who lost his mother and daughter when burglars burned their home. I asked him, if I remember it correctly, if he ever was angry with God. He said, "No."

I could not believe it. But I have to. These are real people. You can sense lies. You can sense if it was all pretension. But people observed, and saw how they rose, or try to rise up everyday. And how they laugh, and share some happiness to those around them. Honestly, I still don't understand.

Last night, my sister advised me to see myself as an instrument of God. And when you're an instrument, and you don't know what to do next, you're supposed to lift it up to God.

With my trust issues, with my uncertainties, with my theology questions, with my usual katigasan ng ulo, I honestly don't know how to begin.

But then again, since I can't figure that out, that makes it God's assignment. I'm just supposed to do what I can.

And now I know that in spite everything that pulled me away from religion, life is still a lot more bearable when you know God is part of the equation. That he's there. That he's in charge. That he know's what's going on, and he's there walking with you. That you're doing things for Him. I cannot make sense of anything unless I believe there's a God, and I am serving Him in whatever way I can.

Well, now, I surely hope not to be a lost sheep once more.

When I look back at my life, I realize I have been watched over and taken care of. Many times. By men and women who serve Him. I couldn't believe it too. But I'm just glad he hasn't given up after more than a decade. After all those times someone brought me to a prayer meeting, a religious activity, or advised me to trust him, surrender to him, to pray. I know I'm being called.

I can only give a timid "yes." Even when I'm not sure what the first step is even supposed to be.