From the outside, it may seem like I have it all (or at least most of it) together. I was doing what I wanted in terms of career and studies. I do have plans, I have an idea what I want to do next. Etc.
Pero to be honest, while I am certain about the 10%, I am at a loss what to do with the 90%. I was actually making as little commitments as possible, because I was teaching myself to rest, that it's okay not to be an achiever all the time, that I need to take good care of myself as well.
But I am in search of something else. The not-so-happy part is, I don't know what. And this is not even something new. I have felt this before. And it's the same feeling behind some of the risks I have taken before. There's just that nagging feeling that you are in search of something. But you are clueless, and sometimes, the only thing you are certain of is that you need to make major changes in your life, because you need to begin another journey. But then that's it.
Thing is, I feel that same restlessness in the past days, right after several days, or weeks, of feeling frustrated by many things.
I hate these kinds of uncertainties. I just wish for the answer to fall from the heavens. What am I looking for? What am I in search of?
I remember now Rainer Maria Rilke's letter to a young poet. The translation of his letter read:
...I would like to beg you dear Sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.
Yes, I am trying to live the questions, although I still prefer getting the answers NOW. I am changing, and I know it. I wish I could tell people why I am doing this, why I am not doing that. I know I am already hurting people, or it seems like I am pushing them away.
I'm really sorry. I am just as restless as ever. I need the space and the time, and your understanding.
I hope this "live your questions" quest leads me somewhere. Oh, well. Sometimes, I just wish to be like other people out there, living simple, uncomplicated lives, following the usual cycle of life. Why can't I be like them? Why do I have this feeling I'm diverting from the usual cycle, from the usual expectations?
Hay, something else will make me happy. Oh well, no sense in insisting to be where you do not fit. I need to find my own place, and design my own life. God, I hope to find people who will guide me on this one. :( And I hope it's not what just popped in my head! Argh. No!
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