Faith: Faith

As a kid, I had always been the more quiet type. I keep things to myself most of the time. Until I can't anymore, and I just explode. My rebellion began in high school, if I'm not mistaken. Over the years, life tamed my temper. At the same time, I began talking about my feelings to others. About what was going on in my life. But lately, I was back to being that quiet kid. I kept things to myself, until I can't do so any longer. I realized I needed people to listen, without judgment. Sometimes, I need them to simply understand, but they can't. And several things made me crawl back to my shell, opening up once in a while, but never as often as before.

Bottled up, my emotions at times overwhelms me. Life is sometimes so damn good at pouring too many things on your plate. It doesn't really care if it's beyond your strength. They say you won't be given trials you can't bear. I'd say, you definitely will be, at times more than your own fair share of burdens, even if you try to be the best human being on earth. You will just learn to pick yourself up along the way. Yes, trials can bring out the best in you, if it doesn't ruin you in the process.

Anyways, I decided, before I lose my sanity, to call up one of my close friends. Someone I think may be going through probably the same set of dilemmas. And she knows the background stories already, so I need not start telling her about the context.

During our conversation, faith and prayer came into the picture. I think I also raised something about Christians I've met who remember the exact date they accepted God into their lives. I grew up as a Catholic, and our equivalent of that, if I'm not mistaken, is baptism and probably confirmation (gosh, I hope I got this one correctly). She patiently explained to me that it's not a baptism, there's no ceremony. It's just you and God, and you accepting him as your Savior. Oh, and she remembers the exact date she did that one too. Nice.

I do remember, I was once a very faithful person. Yes, back in grade school and high school, I always prayed. And I believed. Despite everything. But in college, I just gave up. I got angry. Life was just too tough, and together with all the questions about God and religion piling up in my head, I just dropped faith. Once in a while, I still fulfilled my Catholic obligations, but not as regularly as before. I began welcoming other religions. I read other books. I wanted to understand, not just believe. I have to know what sort of God I'm believing in. And I guess I was also trying to find an explanation for all the things that had been going on in my life.

After college, faith was an on-and-off thing. I would join a group, but the business of life would get in the way. Or I'd lose interest. Or my faith would wane again.

My friend told me that maybe I am doing all these, but, just like before, she asked me about my personal relationship with God. Strangely though, or maybe not-so-strange for Christians, but that's the second time I've heard of "personal relationship with God" this week. One was last Sunday, from a barangay councilor we were working with. Was this just really such an essential part of Christians' language, that it gets mentioned again and again?

It only took me a few seconds to answer that question to myself. I don't. I know I don't have a personal relationship with him. When I was a kid, I know I didn't just pray. I talked with Him. Now, I read a short reflection every morning. That takes at most 3 minutes. Then I rush off to work. Sometimes, I say a VERY short prayer at night.

I guess you may say I have stopped praying. And even if I do, my faith was so miniscule. I rarely pray for the things that are so important to me. My faith wanes and withers so slowly, yet so steadily. Life just gets tougher each moment, despite my own efforts to make them simple. And I hate it. I hate it so much. Ive stopped praying because my life was barely changing for the better. My prayers were not being answered. It was so unfair. If you are among the unfortunate who had to be strong for others who draw strength from you, but you almost have no one to encourage you when the going gets tough, you'd know how I feel. At a certain point, you just get tired of trying to be strong, of sacrificing your own happiness. Leche. You have needs to, you need to be taken care of too, but you just have to take care of yourself, and nurse your own wounds. Then you face the world again, and try to be strong, when in fact deep within you are falling apart.

Sabi nila, whatever place you find yourself in, you brought yourself there. Not always true. When you are part of relationships, of any social circle, you will either benefit or suffer the consequences of other people's decision. Even if you are just a victim of circumstances, walking away is not an option.

Sana, if I and my siblings get a chance to have our own family and kids someday, our kids will never have to go through what we went through. Hindi ko kaya. This will just break my heart. And right now, I just want to do things that will allow me a chance to have a happy family. I'd like to be able to give to my children things I was not able to have. A love-filled, peaceful home. And many more.

Yes, I'm still dreaming and working even if I know life has the tendency to ruin things. And God has not been answering my prayers. I know it's bullshit to keep moving forward. But it's either I do that or I just drift through life, suffering not at all but also going nowhere.

Anyways, going back to the faith thing. My friend told me to just suspend all rationalizations and just have faith. Ouch. To me, that's hard. I can't believe what I don't understand. Or maybe I can. But God has a bad record when it comes to answering the things that are soooo important to me. If you were in my place, will you jump in, knowing you'd wound yourself? You won't.

So now, it's almost 1am, on a Friday. But I still didn't want to sleep. I have always been stuck in this place--of wanting to believe, but not wanting to have faith in a God who had disappointed me many times before. When one problem follows another, as if I do not have the right to rest.

Sorry, God, galit lang talaga ako sa inyo. And I honestly don't know if I can trust you again, the way I did when I was a kid, who would just bear things silently, cry, and pray.