Faith: Prayers

This morning, I woke up feeling really sad.

Maybe it was just because I had been dead tired the day before. We were on fieldwork and while we did had fun, I ended up working from late afternoon when I got home til night, trying to prepare for our meetings in the next days.

Maybe it was also triggered by discussions with a barangay councilor we were working with. She was a Christian. She told us about the hardships she and her family went through (she was from a low-income family), and about the miracles and blessings that came her way.

I couldn't help compare my situation with hers, and her faith with mine. Life may have been difficult for me, but it must have been worse for her. But her faith was a lot deeper than mine.

Before I opened up my prayer book, I looked outside. It was a gloomy morning. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I thought about how God has not granted my biggest prayers. Still. Yes, I do receive blessings in other aspects of life, but those 3 big wishes/prayers/hopes, they remain unanswered. My question this morning was the same question I have been asking myself ever since that time when I started questioning God (that was in college):

After all the things I went through, am going through, and may still have to go through, how do I trust you?

What is the point of praying for these 3 things which are so important to me? Ang sakit dahil hindi mo binibigay. Ayoko nang mag-expect. Hindi ko na nga alam kung papalitan ko na nga lang ba yung prayer, tutal mukhang no na talaga ang sagot mo doon sa isa.

Siguro I am just feeling lost. Obviously, ang daming hadlang para mangyari yung 3 big wishes. At honestly, hindi ko na alam anong gagawin ko. I am torn between being hopeful pa rin, and just being realistic. There's a chance these prayers may not happen. Damn.

Naalala ko nanaman tuloy ang Serenity Prayer:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (mukhang Prayer 1 falls under this category)

The courage to change the things I can (I think Prayers 2 and 3 fall under this category)

And the wisdom to know the difference. (Did I classify the 3 prayers correctly?)

Hay, ewan. Ngayong naisulat ko na, ayoko muna isipin. Ganun na ko napagod. Ang tagal na ng mga prayers na ito. Baka naman one day, I'd be ready to deal with them. Again.