30 April 2011
Ok. This is my second entry on dying.
The other day, I was worried about being very ill that I cried.
The day after that (if I remember it correctly), I borrowed a book, Like a Flowing River by Paulo Coelho. It contained short stories and essays. One of them was on death. Below are some parts from two of the short stories.
“People do not think very much about death. They spend their life worrying about absurdities; they put things off, and fail to notice important moments. They don’t take risks, because they think it’s dangerous. They complain a lot, but are afraid to take action. They want everything to change, but they themselves refuse to change.
If they thought a little more about death, they would never forget to make that much-postponed phone call. They would be a little crazier. They would not be afraid of this incarnation coming to an end because you cannot fear something that is going to happen anyway.
The Indians say: ‘Today is as good a day as any to leave this world. And a wise man once said: ‘Death is always sitting by your side so that, when you need to do something important, it will give you the strength and the courage that you need.’
I hope that you, dear reader, have got this far. It would be foolish to be frightened by death, because all of us, sooner or later, are going to die. And only those who accept this fact are prepared for life.”
“I know it’s not a topic anyone likes to think about, but I have a duty to my readers – to make them think about the important things in life. And death is possibly the most important thing. We are all walking towards death, but we never know when death will touch us and it is our duty, therefore, to look around us, to be grateful for each minute. But we should also be grateful to death, because it makes us think about the importance of each decision we take, or fail to take; it makes us stop doing anything that keeps us stuck in the category of the ‘living dead’ and, instead, urges us to risk everything, to bet everything on those things we always dreamed of doing, because, whether we like it or not, the angel of death is waiting for us.”
--- Like the Flowing River, Paulo Coelho
I felt like I was being reassured by God that things will be alright. Life ends. That’s a fact everyone has to live with.
In my previous entry, I wrote that I am happy with where I am and the things I have done. I will not describe my life as adventurous. It may actually appear boring and plain to many. It was simple, quiet, content in many ways. It was filled with pain and fear, but also peace and contentment that I rarely spoke of, but manifested itself in the way I lived my life. While parts of it had been too “safe” as I had deliberately avoided risks, others showed my resilience, my determination to pursue some of my dreams.
While I have not always been an expressive person, I tried to show my love and concern through my actions. As such, my love has been, for much of my life, lived but unspoken. And it was not demonstrated through hugs or kisses, although I have been trying to do more of both. My love is expressed in my trying to shield people from more pain, in trying to provide for others’ needs, in listening, in giving advices. I loved, but not in ways many would recognize as expressions of love. I show my love through those things I do best. I am now trying to be a bit bit more expressive, though that will take time. But I will keep on trying. It’s worth the effort.
Now, with one of my biggest goals achieved, which was keeping a promise I made to my family and myself after college, I told myself it is time to focus more on my life. I sometimes look back at life, and try to see what I had missed and can still do or make up for. I also try to imagine the future, and the kind of life I wanted to give to myself. In between these, I try to remain conscious of the opportunities that the present offers.
And while I continue to get a bit more excited about life, I have also become more aware of death. Soon, I’d like to start making my last will and testament. Right now, I have no treasures to pass on, hehe. But I was quite worried about what would happen to my journals and diaries! I was also thinking about my funeral photo. I think I ought to choose one now, one where I really looked good. Yes, I know I’m being vain but I’d like to look pretty till the end. :P
I thought about where I wanted my books, clothes, and other belongings to go. They aren’t many, but I’d like them to go to a worthy cause.
And I thought of the people who had made a big impact in my life and the people I love. I wanted to start making letters for them. There is so much love and gratitude, though shown, were left unsaid. I would like to put them into words. On days when they feel down and discouraged, I just hope they would open the letter and feel that their life meant a lot, it saved or inspired someone—me. On days when they just feel unloved, I wanted the letter to remind them that someone had appreciated who they are and the things they did.
I’d like my ashes to be carried by the waves and the wind. I’d like to travel to places I’ve never been to, and even those I never knew existed. But more than this, I’d like my departure to symbolize something I held dearly---remaining free … to dream, to live as I believed, to follow my heart. Breaking free from past hurts and failures. Free to start all over again.
The end will also be a beginning. I shall be a pilgrim on another journey.
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