Life: Life's Finite

Yesterday, I went to bed early. I was tired, and also not feeling very well.

A thought was also bugging me, and kept me from having a good rest.

Life is finite. What if I don’t live till I’m 30? What if one day I am told that I am terminally ill?

My grandma died from breast cancer. That somehow bothered me. I know that having a history of cancer in the family means it can happen to us too.

So again, the question: What if one day I find out that I am sick and will not live long?

I felt scared. From the double-decker bed where I sleep at the boarding house, I stared out the window.

Life is finite.

But I dared ask myself, what will I do?

Somehow, I reassured myself I would still be okay. There are MANY things I haven’t done yet, many places I haven’t been to, many dreams I would so badly want to see happen. You see, I have listed my dreams down last year. And everyday of my life, I try to do what I should do to make those come true. This, somehow, made me feel better: I am living my life as I have chosen, I am giving it my best, I am learning and trying to be a better person, I am living life exactly as I had dreamed.

If God says, “Time’s up!” life will find me in the exact path where I wanted to be right now. Of course, by choosing this path, I gave up others—other opportunities, other experiences, other places I would have been to. Even within this path, there is so much more I haven’t reached nor done yet. But then again, at 27, I was given many things. I have seen enough miracles, I guess. And if life ends, I will probably have several regrets, but happy enough to say I lived a life that made some sense.

What else will I do?

I will probably make a few adjustments in my schedule and my life. But I will do what I am doing now, plus a few more things if time permits. I will keep pursuing the career I wanted, going places, eating, spending time with friends, probably a bit more time with my family, taking a walk once in a while, writing, reading. I will spend each moment living in the now, whilst also pursuing those dreams I have listed down.

Then, I reassured myself, it wouldn’t be so bad. Life’s a lease. If I had been given almost 3 decades to live, I should be grateful. I am grateful.

I also told myself that with or without an illness, I cannot claim I will still be alive tomorrow. Anything can happen. Life remains to have limits, I am simply not so aware of it.

Did I feel like I wanted to fast-track everything so I get to do more? A bit, yes.

It was a morbid thing to think about. But somehow I am glad I am thinking about it. It made me more aware of my priorities.

I am where I want to be. I may not be at my desired destination or goal yet, but I am on my way. If life ends and I never make it there, I will still be thankful. The path, and the people I have met, are worth it, and for the most part, have been worth the sacrifices. (Although I did wish I would meet the man of my dreams before I move to the next life. It would have been a big loss for him never to have met me, haha. Just kidding.)

I somehow felt I loved life more now that I am more aware it can end anytime.

But I do wish to make more improvements. I’d like to love more. As a line in the song "Seasons of Love" from the musical Rent goes:

Measure your life in love.

I try to love by being able to provide for my family. I think that’s important but not enough. I am trying to do more. To give more time, to listen, to have more kind words to say.

Sana I am doing things right. While I do have a tendency for drama, I usually am not fond of grand acts, just small gestures of love, kindness, and gratefulness.

Despite all the self-assurances, I still felt scared last night. I prayed, not for strength, but just for Him to be there while I sleep. I just need to be assured He’s there and I will not be alone. I am probably nowhere near being an ideal Catholic or Christian, but I do hope that as I do what I do well and makes me happy, I am also able to serve, and be an instrument.