I woke up around 630pm. I was lying in bed for more than 30 minutes. I could feel my body was still aching from weeks of working hard, lacking rest, staying up late til the wee hours of morning. I honestly feel like I've reached my limit. Next time I make a list of goals, I'd factor in the fact that our bodies need to rest, we need to take regular breaks, and that our bodies have limits too.

I was feeling frustrated na rin by many things. Problems which keep cropping up, or piling up. I feel like I should have done this or that. Hay, I think sometimes, setting too many goals and standards is just not humane. Then, my mind started making a checklist of blessings I have received so far, of goals that were met--I was able to keep my commitment to help send my brother to school, got my postgrad studies diploma, passed the boards, got a chance to do research in an agricultural area.

Pero honestly, for my 28th birthday, I think I'm going to do some changes in my list of goals. I'd add having relaxing weekends, being able to get enough sleep, learning to draw boundaries, going out with friends, pursuing other hobbies and living out the Serenity Prayer.

As for finally meeting the person to spend the rest of my life with, I don't know if I should pray for him now. Naisip ko lang, at this point, I think the kindest thing that I can do for myself is to let myself enjoy being single. As in. Kung makilala ko na siya now, well and good, pero hindi ako nagmamadali. Titiisin ko lang naman ang pang-aasar ng mga tao. Pero kaya ko na yun. Naman!

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next. Amen.

Read more: http://www.allaboutprayer.org/serenity-prayer.htm#ixzz3qEMWB3al

Life: A Bucket List

A Bucket List

This is a list-in-progress. It feels nice to have things to work on and look forward to. Here's my bucket list for this lifetime.

1. Be surrounded by loved ones
2. Stay pretty
3. Pay people forward, by helping send someone to school, by passing on what I know to others, etc.
4. Play the guitar well
5. Learn to dance
6. Be good at at least one sport. Kahit 1 lang!
7. Be able to take a vacation in at least one place per continent (yes, including Antarctica)
8. Learn to play these songs... and for them to ring true for me (hay!)
a. Bless the Broken Road (Rascal Flatts)
b. Terrified (Katharine Mcphee)
9. Make a difference.
10. Climb Mt. Pulag
11. Go to Sagada
12. Go to Batanes
13. Be able to apologize to people I have offended before
14. Gain financial freedom
15. uhm, sakin na lang yung item na to :P

Life: Preparing for Day 2

Today was Day 1 of our environmental planning board exam. There were 200 questions. We were given from 8am til 2pm (no breaks) to answer the exam. Before 11am, my head was already aching. It was a multiple choice exam.... some questions were easy, particularly those related to research methods. I was silently thanking my professors in college and in my MA class for their lectures.

But there were many questions I really didn't know. Many of the options were also confusing, more like trick questions. So I spent a lot of time selecting answers through an elimination process, or best guess, or "what sounds right" method, if you can call that a method. I think this triggered my migraine.

We were discussing the questions, and our answers (and rationalizations for choosing those) on our way home. We were laughing at how we chose our answers on those items we really did not encounter during the review. Our reasons ranged from deep, to whatever we recalled, to whatever made sense, or to what sounded right.

The discussions were funny. But later on, it begins to dawn on you... shoot, your answers on those items were wrong. Moreso as you go home and start to prepare for Day 2, and you encounter the questions you weren't able to answer this morning.

Honestly, I was losing hope already.

But still, I decided to pick up my notebook and a book I borrowed. With my migraine gone, I intend to spend the night studying. I know I am not prepared for this exam. But I'm giving this one my best shot. It's too late to aim to be among the topnotchers.... I should have started seriously studying a hell lot earlier. But I'm sure I want to pass, and even if I don't, I'd still feel much much better knowing that I gave it my best, whatever "best" meant given the limited time and energy I have left before tomorrow's exam.

I know some of those taking this exam are second-time takers. I surely hope all of us would pass, most especially those who had to muster the courage and dedicate time to take this exam again.

------------------------------------------

The things that kept me company during my review:

My housemate's study desk, books, and review materials; Mama's laptop


My water bottle


Coffee (ofcourse)


Cookies (which I also brought on the first day of the exam)


My huggable pillow, a gift from my sister

Life: Dream Notebook

While feeling overwhelmed by everything I need to get done--today and in the coming days and weeks--I opened my dream notebook (my expanded version of the LOJ's Novena to God's Love). And I was reminded of two things: first, the deeper reasons why I am doing what I do now, and secondly, the things I should not take for granted as I take the path I have chosen.

I drew strength from the first. The things I am doing now are among things I need to go through to reach my dreams; they are part of the path I have chosen both as a career and vocation.

The second brought me back to the present. It helps to take your eyes off the future and live in the now. I have many blessings now which I should also take care of--my health, my family, my friends, my faith. Opportunities to enjoy whatever life offers me now.

Life: I'm Scared

As most people around me know all too well, the past few weeks had been busy, a whirlwind to be more precise. I was involved in two projects, I was finishing a racket that took me longer to finish than I had expected, schedules more moving, activities were leading to even more meetings and were occupying my weekends. And to top it all off, I had to review for my board exam. (Oh, I no longer mentioned social commitments I was no longer able to attend to.)

Life had been crazy. Last Tuesday morning, I sat at the sofa in my officemate's room. I was tired. TIRED. As in my muscles were aching from lack of rest (I've been working even on weekends.) I was complaining to her, telling her what happened to our activities in the past days, but sharing with her too that so far, everything was going well. She told me: "Di ako naaawa sayo. Kasi masaya ka sa ginagawa mo." She even noted that while I was complaining, I was actually smiling.

True. I had been happy. I wasn't happy about the promises I had to break though. That would be a separate topic for another day.

Let me now tell you why I'm blogging.

I need an outlet. Because I feel really scared.

Today's a Friday, and on Tuesday and Wednesday, I'm taking the environmental planning board exams.

With my schedules in the past weeks, I had little to no time to study. Now, I've been trying to study, almost as if there's no more tomorrow. I was forcing my brain cells to absorb as much as they can. And I have a hell lot more to read.

As much as possible, I have refrained from telling people that I am taking the exam. My family and a few friends, plus of course my housemates who are witnesses to my crazy life lately, know. My officemates know too, as well as my mentor. But as work schedules and deadlines were beginning to hit the last few days before the board exams, I had to tell my other supervisor and another colleague as well, that I cannot deliver some reports yet, or attend some meetings, because I need to study.

The point is I didn't want to tell people because I don't know if I'd pass.

Some people are confident that I will pass. A few expect me to be a placer (gulp). I do have a knack for passing exams. However, I don't see myself as "infallible." I know I can't win every battle. And besides, I had been happy with my work, even if it took much of the time I intended for studying. I don't regret the commitments I kept in the past weeks. I wouldn't have had it any other way.

But I'm really scared. It's been a while since I have been this anxious over an exam. Siguro the last one was in 2007, when I took the entrance test for my MA in UP. Passing that exam meant a lot to me.

Now, here comes another one. I have almost never failed in exams like these. But I do realize I am not prepared. And while I do not wish to put too much pressure on myself to pass, I know that people are expecting me to pass, and that my mentor/boss was right when she said that the first failure will hurt (or something to that effect). I know she is right.

So now, I'm trying to pour my energies into passing. I want to cry. I do regret cramming. Buti na lang I like the things I'm reading, and I'm already imagining myself practicing this profession, helping disadvantaged municipalities make their land use and development plans.

Siguro, more than passing, I just have to focus on that--I'm taking this not just for the sake of my career, but because it's part of the vocation I have chosen to take.

Grabe, God, I hope you bless this dream the way you have been blessing the others that have now come true. And on those times when my intentions are going astray, remind me of why I chose this path. Amen.

Life: When I Reach 30

Yesterday, I was telling some of my housemates that by the time I reach my 30s and I am still not married (or not in a serious relationship), and my family and I are financially stable, I'd make drastic changes in my life.

I will go abroad, preferrably Europe. Then take an 8-5 job (i.e., one where your tasks are light, and no need to work overtime or even on weekends). I do love my current job, even if at times you'd have to work really hard. But at times, I also dream of a simpler life.

I love coffee. So I imagine myself working in a coffee shop in Europe. And yes, cleaning tables. Greeting customers, taking their orders, making their coffee, then shouting "Frappuccino for ...." After work, I'd take my backpack, walk the streets of a European country, eat at one of those restos along the street, pasta most likely. Drink coffee. Read a book.

Or I'd go with my bestfriend to New Zealand. I'd find a job there. Then every morning, I'd have to wake up early to milk the cow. After work, I'd go to my home, surrounded by fields, be welcomed by my dog, and probably a few sheep.

I told my officemate about this. I could tell she did not believe me. She actually betted I won't last for a year, probably just a month.

She has a point.

I could bet that I wouldn't simply be working in a coffee shop. I'd probably be the owner of it too. Or that small farm in New Zealand... I'd probably find a way to turn it into a business.

Or I'd be getting part-time jobs, most likely research or planning-related, in a university in the area, or in their government.

Or I'd be joining a cause-oriented group. Or a religious group.

Anyway, that's the simple life I'm dreaming about. Here's the other option.

While browsing the Net, I came across Doctors Without Borders. This reminded me of another dream.

I just wanted to work for things that will help make life better for people. When I am passionate about something, I can pour myself into it.

If I don't pursue that simple life I'm dreaming about, I'd probably find a bigger cause to be part of. I'd go places, learn about the plight of others, try to find out how I can also help.

It will be far from the simple life I am dreaming of, but so worthwhile.

My fear though is that when I pursue the latter, I may not have the "normal" life--have a family of my own, be happily married and raising our kids.

But then again, it's too early to say that my dreams are "mutually exclusive." Who knows, maybe life will be generous with me, and I'd one day get "the best of both worlds."