Life: Define Success

As may be obvious from my previous post, I am trying to figure out how to make the work-life balance thing work, and trying to find out what would give me the most satisfaction--where I can say this is how I wish to live my life--and steer my life towards that direction.

Well, I came across this talk by John Wooden, a teacher and a basketball coach. He talked about true success. His tips are pretty simple, though of course still hard to live by. His talk, well, he looked boring at first, but it's actually a humorous talk, and easy to understand. Grabe, he's simply one of the smartest senior citizens I have heard so far.

My favorite quotes from the talk are:

• "Never try to be better than someone else. ... Never cease trying to be the best you can be."
• "Never be late." and
• those on having patience and keeping the faith.

If you have about 20 minutes to spare, watch this video. If not, just read the transcript. (Click the interactive script button at the bottom of the video.)

http://www.ted.com/talks/john_wooden_on_the_difference_between_winning_and_success.html

Enjoy!

Work: Life Starts at 30

I am a researcher, and by my institution's standards, especially if I use as standard my mentor, I have a looooooong way to go to prove that I am really competent in this field. But I am lucky to have had good training, and several opportunities, many of which overwhelmed me, to improve or prove that I can be trusted with greater responsibilities, that I can be trained to handle more.

And for all these, for this phase of my life, I am truly grateful. I really am. Not everyone is given a chance to pursue a dream, and not everyone who pursues her dream gets there. So I consider myself a lucky one.

But a year and a half before I turn 30, in the last few months, or has it been years, I realize that while my career zoomed, other aspects of my life were almost on a stand still. Siguro, when I also moved to a boarding house, and took more risks in life, met some people who made me realize there is so much more to life than work. When people told me before that I am workaholic, I readily admit that I am. But I am getting to a point when I realize how much I have missed and am missing. My world, especially some parts of last year, literally revolved around my job. It was a crucial turning point for my career, and it was also a crucial turning point for how I would see my work and my life afterwards.

In the past, I want to do research, do development work. That was as clear to my mind as anything that I can see with my glasses on on a bright morning. I just loved it.

But now, my dreams shifted a bit. I love my flexible work hours (flexible meaning you don't have to always work in the office but you have to be ready to work more hours, or on weekends if the job calls for it). I love learning. I love going out. I just love it. But now, I also dream of hanging out with friends any day of the week, going out with my family, climbing mountains, jogging, getting involved in more physical activities, relaxing and having fun. All these things which I find so hard to incorporate into my life now because I lacked both the MONEY and the TIME.

Life at 30 is still vague. I kept saying I'd go abroad and be a fruit picker or work in a bar, serving either coffee or wine. I'd take a job that will not take away my nights and my weekends, and will not lead to the abuse of my brain cells. That's as clear as I could go. I also told a friend, I love my job, but if I cannot figure out a way to do this AND have a really fun life, something's got to give.

I know it is scary. I don't even know how to strike that work-life balance people always talk about while still earning decently. I don't really know what to do. But I am very certain this is not the way I want to live. I am not losing another relative or friend and go through feelings of guilt that I wish I had spent more time with them.

And the more I am able to savor life and spend more time having fun with friends, the more I realize I want this work-life balance dream to come true. At 30. Or better yet, at 29. Or even better yet, NOW. Because I might not even have tomorrow.

Oh, and by the way, I know it's midweek, but yesterday, after meeting up with my friend for an errand, we had dinner and watched Safe House. I ended up too tired to do anything productive when I got home. And just tonight, I was so disappointed with a person (work related stuff) I met up with friends to rant, and drank a bottle of beer (they chose Tanduay Ice and Antonov Ice). One lang naman. And we laughed while planning something. Something I look forward to. :)

Sweet life.

And the work I postponed doing? It was always at the back of my head. I know this has its consequences, but I needed to laugh, I needed to cheer up, I needed to be with people.

Later, I'll do that job again. And do it well.

Life: I'm Scared

As most people around me know all too well, the past few weeks had been busy, a whirlwind to be more precise. I was involved in two projects, I was finishing a racket that took me longer to finish than I had expected, schedules more moving, activities were leading to even more meetings and were occupying my weekends. And to top it all off, I had to review for my board exam. (Oh, I no longer mentioned social commitments I was no longer able to attend to.)

Life had been crazy. Last Tuesday morning, I sat at the sofa in my officemate's room. I was tired. TIRED. As in my muscles were aching from lack of rest (I've been working even on weekends.) I was complaining to her, telling her what happened to our activities in the past days, but sharing with her too that so far, everything was going well. She told me: "Di ako naaawa sayo. Kasi masaya ka sa ginagawa mo." She even noted that while I was complaining, I was actually smiling.

True. I had been happy. I wasn't happy about the promises I had to break though. That would be a separate topic for another day.

Let me now tell you why I'm blogging.

I need an outlet. Because I feel really scared.

Today's a Friday, and on Tuesday and Wednesday, I'm taking the environmental planning board exams.

With my schedules in the past weeks, I had little to no time to study. Now, I've been trying to study, almost as if there's no more tomorrow. I was forcing my brain cells to absorb as much as they can. And I have a hell lot more to read.

As much as possible, I have refrained from telling people that I am taking the exam. My family and a few friends, plus of course my housemates who are witnesses to my crazy life lately, know. My officemates know too, as well as my mentor. But as work schedules and deadlines were beginning to hit the last few days before the board exams, I had to tell my other supervisor and another colleague as well, that I cannot deliver some reports yet, or attend some meetings, because I need to study.

The point is I didn't want to tell people because I don't know if I'd pass.

Some people are confident that I will pass. A few expect me to be a placer (gulp). I do have a knack for passing exams. However, I don't see myself as "infallible." I know I can't win every battle. And besides, I had been happy with my work, even if it took much of the time I intended for studying. I don't regret the commitments I kept in the past weeks. I wouldn't have had it any other way.

But I'm really scared. It's been a while since I have been this anxious over an exam. Siguro the last one was in 2007, when I took the entrance test for my MA in UP. Passing that exam meant a lot to me.

Now, here comes another one. I have almost never failed in exams like these. But I do realize I am not prepared. And while I do not wish to put too much pressure on myself to pass, I know that people are expecting me to pass, and that my mentor/boss was right when she said that the first failure will hurt (or something to that effect). I know she is right.

So now, I'm trying to pour my energies into passing. I want to cry. I do regret cramming. Buti na lang I like the things I'm reading, and I'm already imagining myself practicing this profession, helping disadvantaged municipalities make their land use and development plans.

Siguro, more than passing, I just have to focus on that--I'm taking this not just for the sake of my career, but because it's part of the vocation I have chosen to take.

Grabe, God, I hope you bless this dream the way you have been blessing the others that have now come true. And on those times when my intentions are going astray, remind me of why I chose this path. Amen.

Life: I am a Researcher

I woke up early today to start preparing for our fieldwork. I forced myself to get up at around 530am. We finished with the courtesy calls, meetings, discussions, and drivethroughs in our study sites in Caloocan and Valenzuela at around 6pm. I arrived at the boarding house at 7pm. It was a long, tiring, yet fun day.

This is one aspect of my work life. Let me give you a broader glimpse of what my life is like, and some of the reasons why since I graduated in 2005, I have never left the social development and research world.

I am a researcher in a research institution of a university in the Philippines. Most of the researches I have been involved in were related to urban and social development concerns.

Several times, people have asked me whether I’m happy in my job. I graduated from this university in 2005, and have been in this kind of job, and within the same campus, albeit with two employers, ever since. As a researcher, I am project-based, and thus would not become a permanent employee of the university. There are other ways of becoming one, but that would also depend on my finishing my masters thesis, and a slot for a permanent position opening up in the department I’d like to be part of.

My employers have always tried to give me the best pay they could give, given the salary grade of the university. I have quite a simple lifestyle, so my pay should have been more than enough, except that I did have other responsibilities right after I graduated. I took sidelines on top of my day job—and those helped pay the bills and other responsibilities I had, my masters tuition and fees, plus a few things to spoil myself, such as a bit of travel. But compared with some of my batchmates, I am earning less, and with no tenure security, I actually do find myself at times with financial woes.

But let me now tell you why, even with all these, I chose to stay in this kind of work. Let me share with you what my everyday is like.

As a field researcher, I can go to the office any time I choose. I don’t get paid for overtime, but that’s okay. Hawak ko ang oras ko. I own my time, and I am in control of how I spend it. Being a night person, and being someone who resists rigid structures and rules, this setup is heaven for me.

There are days, weeks, and even months, when all you’d do is read, type, and write. When you’d have to go through papers, reports, over and over and over again, looking for this or that, making sure you understood things correctly, editing the report until it is as close to perfect as you can make it.

But each project is in itself a new challenge. There’s always something new to learn, a new place to go to, new people to deal with. Another aspect of society you could know, another aspect of yourself you’d have to enhance.

Some days are hell. You’d work your butt off to meet deadlines. At times, you’d get lectures for not being able to meet standards, or just failing to deliver. But some days are light. You can work at your own pace.

When you’re in the office, you’d have time to have lunch with your officemates. Many times during the day, you can share bits of stories, and food, or simply tease each other, or provide moral support when one feels burdened by life’s many complications and even one’s workload. Most of the time, you own your evenings and can spend it with family, friends, or you can spend the night reflecting or sleeping. Or you can take graduate studies.

Our office is located in a campus sprawling several hectares. The campus’ main road is lined with big trees. There are lots of open spaces. It’s a peaceful place. You can jog when you want to. You can take a walk. You can go to the church.

In many ways, research has opened my eyes to the realities of life beyond my comfort zone, beyond what I see everyday. My understanding of social problems deepened. It has at times further ignited my hope to be of help to others. There’s always that wish that while you can’t implement programs, the research that you do will one day be used to help other communities, or at least to testify to the resilience and the good will and perseverance of urban poor communities and individuals and groups involved in social development work.

There are times, especially when I’m asked to rewrite chapters of what I have written, when I just feel down, even incompetent. If I had a white flag with me, and my boss were in front of me, I would have waved it several times already. Unfortunately, if I wanted to be a good researcher, I have to seize the opportunity to learn how to do things well. Therefore, I have not yet bought a white flag, nor started making one. During such times, honestly, I drag myself to get the report done, knowing that most likely my boss will ask me to redo parts of the report again. (Sigh!)

Going on fieldwork means being on jeans and a shirt and rubber shoes—a far cry from the corporate attire. It means going where the people are—whether that be a government office at the heart of the city or one in the less developed areas of the country, a slum area in the city, or one located near a dead river, or in an area once used as a dump site. When you have to be out there, you’d be out there—whether or not the sun is shining, stepping either on dusty roads or muddy ones, walking both on concrete roads and narrow, winding alleys, or crossing bridges, whether these be concrete or makeshift. When you’re lucky, you’ll have a van to bring you to these places. But most of the time, you’ll have to take public transport: jeepneys, buses, tricycles, bikes.

This may all sound inconvenient. But this is a life I love. I am a researcher, and (supposedly) a social scientist. The world and the people I need to understand are out there. So I have to go there. Reading about the world is so different from learning and seeing things on your own. And after every project, you realize so much more, and you feel that you are able to learn so much more than what you have shared.

At times, I do dream of the corporate life. That dream has never completely left me. I wanted to often wear a corporate attire, even a coat, walk in heels, enter one of those skyscrapers or well-known offices in Ayala or Ortigas. Just wanted to know what it’s like to be sosyal most of the time. I guess I just wanted to know what else I can do, or can be, what else life can offer.

But for now, I am happy where I am. I need to write this down first, to explain myself to those who do not understand why I keep doing what I do, and second, to remind myself of the many perks of my job.

There are many things I have not mentioned here. Many people—colleagues, acquaintances, coworkers, friends, mentors, bosses—who make my stay worthwhile.

I do remember earlier this year, during a job interview (yes, when my previous contract was about to end, I did start looking for a new job), something I told the interviewer. It was also something I repeated to my sister today. Importante sakin na araw-araw, masaya ako sa ginagawa ko. Many would think of financial security first. To me, that’s okay, especially for those who have more responsibilities than I have. But financial security is only second in my list of priorities. I know what I want to do. I’d like to wake up each morning and feel happy, knowing that I am where I wanted to be. I’d like to stay in a path I believe in, one that matches my skills and my passion, because I believe this is also where I can contribute the most and have the highest chances of succeeding. And if life ends suddenly, I have less regrets, because I simply did not invest in a good future; I, at the same time, did enjoy the present.

To the reader, whoever you are, wherever you may be, I hope that you’d also know this kind of feeling and sense of fulfillment, if not in all aspects of life, at least on those that mean the most to you.

And if you think I am able to stay where I am because I am lucky, let me tell you that many times, there was no path immediately ahead of me. But when I chose to stay and keep walking (and kept praying), paths appeared where there used to be none. At times, you'd bump into people who would help open doors of opportunities for you. I did gamble. I did risk. I did cry. I did feel like I already wanted to give up. I do at times still feel frustrated.

To quote Paulo Coelho: “Dreamers cannot be tamed.” Well, at least not too easily. So let us be dreamers. And doers. Open yourself to the blessings that are yet to come.

Stay hopeful. Stay faithful. Stay blessed.

Life: When It Rains, It Pours

I honestly am overwhelmed with everything that came my way since last week. Considering that several weeks prior to that, most of the things I hoped to happen did not happen when I already hoped they would. Career-wise, I felt like I had been in a limbo for weeks.

I remember complaining to my brother about two weeks ago. And he told me, maybe there are things coming my way.

He was right. That same week, things started falling into place. Now, I have more tasks than I had foreseen. More exciting prospects that I had asked for.

Am I nervous and scared? Yes. Definitely. But I am also happy for the opportunities to face my fears. To learn what else I can do. To develop my skills.

Do I feel stressed? Yes. My list of things to do is starting to get longer. But I learned that the best medicines for stress are (1) action, and (2) relaxation and rest.

Right now, I am already accepting that for the next couple of weeks, I'd be working till night, and probably even during some weekends and holidays. But I am excited and grateful for the learnings, for the opportunities. I look forward to working with the people I'd be working with, even those we'd be interviewing.

Grabe. I love research. I love learning about life, and understanding other people. I love going to places, but going a bit deeper by understanding their society, and not just seeing their famous and picturesque sites. And combined with the prospect, and the prayer, that the studies we conduct may be used in the creation of plans and programs that would help marginalized sectors and society's development in general. I am happy. I am overwhelmed. I am humbled.

For tonight, my only prayers are: Please take care of my loved ones. Thank you for the blessings. Guide us again tomorrow. Sana, in the course of doing what we love and hope to do well, we are able to fulfill a higher purpose as well. And please take care of the person who inspires me. :) Amen.