Life: I'm Scared

As most people around me know all too well, the past few weeks had been busy, a whirlwind to be more precise. I was involved in two projects, I was finishing a racket that took me longer to finish than I had expected, schedules more moving, activities were leading to even more meetings and were occupying my weekends. And to top it all off, I had to review for my board exam. (Oh, I no longer mentioned social commitments I was no longer able to attend to.)

Life had been crazy. Last Tuesday morning, I sat at the sofa in my officemate's room. I was tired. TIRED. As in my muscles were aching from lack of rest (I've been working even on weekends.) I was complaining to her, telling her what happened to our activities in the past days, but sharing with her too that so far, everything was going well. She told me: "Di ako naaawa sayo. Kasi masaya ka sa ginagawa mo." She even noted that while I was complaining, I was actually smiling.

True. I had been happy. I wasn't happy about the promises I had to break though. That would be a separate topic for another day.

Let me now tell you why I'm blogging.

I need an outlet. Because I feel really scared.

Today's a Friday, and on Tuesday and Wednesday, I'm taking the environmental planning board exams.

With my schedules in the past weeks, I had little to no time to study. Now, I've been trying to study, almost as if there's no more tomorrow. I was forcing my brain cells to absorb as much as they can. And I have a hell lot more to read.

As much as possible, I have refrained from telling people that I am taking the exam. My family and a few friends, plus of course my housemates who are witnesses to my crazy life lately, know. My officemates know too, as well as my mentor. But as work schedules and deadlines were beginning to hit the last few days before the board exams, I had to tell my other supervisor and another colleague as well, that I cannot deliver some reports yet, or attend some meetings, because I need to study.

The point is I didn't want to tell people because I don't know if I'd pass.

Some people are confident that I will pass. A few expect me to be a placer (gulp). I do have a knack for passing exams. However, I don't see myself as "infallible." I know I can't win every battle. And besides, I had been happy with my work, even if it took much of the time I intended for studying. I don't regret the commitments I kept in the past weeks. I wouldn't have had it any other way.

But I'm really scared. It's been a while since I have been this anxious over an exam. Siguro the last one was in 2007, when I took the entrance test for my MA in UP. Passing that exam meant a lot to me.

Now, here comes another one. I have almost never failed in exams like these. But I do realize I am not prepared. And while I do not wish to put too much pressure on myself to pass, I know that people are expecting me to pass, and that my mentor/boss was right when she said that the first failure will hurt (or something to that effect). I know she is right.

So now, I'm trying to pour my energies into passing. I want to cry. I do regret cramming. Buti na lang I like the things I'm reading, and I'm already imagining myself practicing this profession, helping disadvantaged municipalities make their land use and development plans.

Siguro, more than passing, I just have to focus on that--I'm taking this not just for the sake of my career, but because it's part of the vocation I have chosen to take.

Grabe, God, I hope you bless this dream the way you have been blessing the others that have now come true. And on those times when my intentions are going astray, remind me of why I chose this path. Amen.