Life: Si Mama at ang Blush-on

Hindi kasi kasama sa hobby ko ang pag-make up. Pero dahil dumadami na ang mga pagkakataon na kailangang mag-makeup, at dahil paminsan-minsan feel kong maging girl, bumili na ako ng blush-on.

Tapos kahapon, bago umalis ng bahay, nakita ako ni mama na nag-aapply ng blush on. Maliit lang kasi yung brush which came with the set. Ang hirap mag-apply. Sabi ni mama sakin: "Hindi ganyan! Hindi pabilog. Dapat pataas," sabay kuha ng brush at siya na ang naglagay. Sabi ko nga, mali ang strokes ko ng brush.

Natawa lang ako sa itsura naming dalawa. Kung kailan ako malapit nang mag-30, chaka palang ako natututong mag-makeup. Actually nagreklamo rin siya sa lipgloss ko. "Ano ba yang lipstick mo, parang wala." Or something to that effect. Hindi pa rin ako sanay sa lipstick. Masaya pa ko sa lipgloss. Pag dumating na yung day na gumagamit na ko ng lipstick kahit di special occasion, yun, girl na girl na ko! :P

Life: Ang mga Dapat

Kanina, habang nasa jeep pauwi sa boarding house, naisip ko, ay naku, para mag-survive sa buhay na 'to, dapat handa kang madisappoint. Na matanggap mong ang nangyayari sa buhay mo ngayon, o nangyari na, ay sobrang layo sa gusto mo sanang mangyari para maging masaya ka.

Nung mas bata pa ko, naisip ko, nakakasama rin pala ang pagtuturo sa mga bata tungkol sa mga ideyal na bagay. Dapat ang karanasan ng isang bata habang lumalaki ay ganito. Dapat ang pamilya ay ganito. Dapat ang isang babae ay ganito. Dapat. Dapat. Dapat. Panay ideyal. Akala mo tuloy, pag ang layo ng nangyayari sayo sa sana'y dapat, may mali--sayo, sa buhay mo, sa mundo, sa lahat.

Siguro nga may mali. Pero dapat yata tinuro din na napakaraming beses na malayo sa ideyal ang totoong buhay.

At sana mas maaga kong natutunang ok lang pala yun. Ganyan ang buhay. Hindi perpekto. Di kasalanan ni God. Di ko kasalanan.

Oo, may mga "dapat," may mga itinuturing tayong ideyal na sitwasyon at kondisyon. Pero di ganun ang buhay. At ok lang.

Naniniwala rin naman akong may mga sitwasyon na makakabuting sikapin mapag-inam pa ang isang kalagayan, lutasin ang isang problema.

Pero naniniwala rin akong normal lang na "abnormal" ang buhay. Madalas. At ok lang yon. At kasabay siguro ng pagtuturo ano ang "dapat" o ideyal, sana may paraan para maituro rin pano mo tatanggapin, at ano ang gagawin mo, kapag napakalayo ng karanasan mo sa sinasabi nilang "dapat."

Malayo sa "dapat" ang ilang aspeto ng buhay ko. Daanin na lang natin sa buntong hininga ang mga bagay na yan. Wala na kong magagawa. Gagawin ko na lang ang alam kong tama.

Siguro naman, mas marami pang masasayang surpresa ang buhay.

Life: Cooking Atbp.

Grabe. Ang saya. Pero bago ko sabihin kung bakit, let me provide an introduction. Ganito kasi yun...

May dalawang bagay na, habang lumalaki ako, na-realize ko di ko forte. One was sports. The other was cooking. There had been times when I tried to be good at those things, pero my attempts failed. Siguro it also did not help that, when it came to cooking, ang daming critics during those few times na sinubukan kong magproduce ng something edible. Plus the fact na dahil impatient ako, or mahilig mag-mulitasking, nasusunog ang niluluto ko. And there were people at home who can cook anyway, so why bother to try?

So I grew up believing I can't do both.

Pero ngayong nasa boarding house ako, eh, medyo nagsasawa na ko sa mga nakakain ko. Mahal naman bumili ng food palagi. Tapos, maraming talipapa sa malapit. So what about giving cooking another try?

So today, sinubukan ko. First ever potato salad. May kodigo pa ako sa tabi. Oo na, potato salad lang. Kamuntik pang maging mashed potato. Pero masarap daw sabi ng housemates ko. Di ko rin forte kasi ang pagtitimpla, so super saya ko!

Hmm, susubukan kong mapasarap pa lalo sa susunod. Tapos, I'd also try something else.

Masaya matuto pag di ka pressured. At nakakaengganyo kapag successful ang mga nagagawa mo :D

Life: Samu't Saring mga Bagay

This post does not intend to convey any deep realization in life. I just want to write lots of things which happened today, or rather yesterday (it's past 12 midnight already).

I was able to finish checking the questionnaires I had to check. So I was able to go to the forum co-organized by our office on children in the urban environment. Yes!

Then, about 30 minutes before midnight, I was able to finally finish revising Chapter 1 of the long-overdue final report for one of our projects. Grabe, na-challenge ang writing, rewriting, editing, and sociological thinking skills ko (lahat na!), and I realized how much more I had to learn. Pero the point is, it's finally done! Four chapters na lang! Weeh!

The brewed coffee served by the caterer during the forum was super masarap. I definitely look forward to getting another cup tomorrow.

May slight damage na ang aking new black shoes! (If I'm not mistaken, this is only the third time I've worn them.) Siguro nagasgas yung balat niya sa paa ng tables nung bumangga ako. Buti maliit lang; hmm, try ko ngang gamitan ng black pentel pen :P

Bumili na ko ng ingredients para sa potato salad. Bakit potato salad? Kasi, nasasarapan ako sa kanya (gaya ng nasasarapan ako sa mashed potatoes). Tapos, madaling gawin. As in nag-download pa ko ng recipe kahapon, pang-simple potato salad lang. Tapos nung pauwi na, dumaan ako sa mga tindahan para mamili. Nabili ko na lahat, except for mayonnaise! Kamusta naman! Kasi namahalan ako, isang maliit na sachet, P30. So nagpunta ako sa kabilang tindahan. Same sachet, P33. Naisip ko, meron pa ata akong onting mayonnaise sa ref sa boarding house kaya umuwi na lang ako. Tapos, pagdating ko, lo and behold! Wala na pala. Lumabas ako at pumuntang Pan de Manila (o di ba, napaka-convenient ng location ng aming boarding house!), at sabi sakin wala rin siilang binebentang mayonnaise!

Big deal yan dahil ilang araw na kong nag-crave for it, tapos gusto ko talaga sanang gumawa, pang-alis na rin ng stress. Isa pa, wala akong biniling dinner! Kumain naman ako sa office ng 2 tocino at 1 egg, pero walang rice so kulang na kulang na kulang yun. Nauwi ako sa all-time favorite na pansit canton, tapos fried egg. Ngayon, gutom na naman ako.

Ano pa ba? Ah, kanina sa forum ang contribution ko ay magtake ng photos. Wala lang, nagenjoy ako. Parang gusto ko nang maging role yun palagi. Enjoy, chaka feeling ko may talent ako sa ganun. Hehe :P

Ano pa? Maraming mayor sa forum, so enjoy din. Yung iba sa kanila sobrang down-to-earth, di mo aakalaing mayor.

Sa forum kanina, naisip ko, ang dami ko pang pwedeng maicontribute sa ikauunlad ng bansa at ng mundo. (Naku, teka, papunta nanaman ako sa serious na topic.) Nakakabuhay ng loob at mga pangarap, when you find yourself amidst people whose heart and minds burn with the same desire. Ok, tama na.

Masarap ang food. Favorite ko ang beef with mushroom ng Jollibee, pero mas masarap yung beef with mushroom na sinerve kanina. Pati yung lemon grass iced tea. Ika nga ng isa sa mga boss namin, she chose that caterer on the basis of their lemon grass iced tea.

O siya, yan na muna. I need to rest. Mukhang I'd be manning the publication sales tomorrow during the forum. Or rather, later.

God, thank you for that day. Amen.

Life: Grateful for my Job

It's 1:30am. Sunday. I have just almost finished revising Chapter 1 of a report for work.

I still have several things I hoped to be able to finish by tomorrow, I mean today. Hmmm.

Sabi ko kanina sa officemate ko, kung ngayon palang ganito na ang schedule ko, how much more pag narating ko na position/status ng boss ko? What would my life be like?!

So yun ang rantings ko kanina. Honestly naisip ko na mag-asawa na lang kaya ako ng mayaman? Parang ayoko naman kasing all my life I will have to work hard, and even on weekends at times. What kind of life would that be!!! Pero shempre, knowing myself, masyado mataas ang pride ko so most likely, gugustuhin ko pa ring magtrabaho at kumita rin. At given na mainipin ako, malamang lang di ako tatagal as housewife.

Sabi sa isang video na napanood ko, be grateful. Isa raw yan sa mga paraan para maging masaya. At dahil nais kong sumaya, mageenumerate ako ng mga dahilan ba't ako masaya sa trabaho. Marami na kong nabanggit dito sa blog dati, kaya malamang daragdagan ko na lang.

Not everyone is given a job. I have one.
Not everyone is in a job in line with her interests. I am in mine.
I was given an opportunity to learn more about the career I wanted to try, para malaman ko kung ito nga ang gusto ko.
I was given mentors and a working environment where I can keep learning and enhancing my skills (kahit na minsan feeling ko ang standards ay langit at ang skills ko ay nasa lupa-level palang).
Tumataas naman ang sweldo ko kahit pano.
Lumalawak ang kaalaman ko sa mundo.

At marami pang iba, pero inaantok na talaga ako.

Bukas, susubukan, sisikapin ko, with all my heart and mind power, to wake up really early. I will try to get a few more things done. Para naman mabawasan na ang mga to do ko. Nabawasan na ang pagiging workaholic ko, pero sa ngayon kasi, natatambakan na ko ng work and the only way to minimize the stress is to get several things done and out of my list of to-do.

Pagkatapos, irereward ko siguro ang sarili ko. Pagkain? New haircut? Make-up? Hmm, pag-iisipan ko. :)

Life: Lessons for the Past Half Year

Natutuwa ako. Last night, instead of plunging into work (I really have tons to do), I took the time to write down everything I want to do or to be, and the kind of future I want. I realized I was changing, and I suspected that my list of dreams now will be very different from the list I made a year ago.

But when I was done making the checklist, I realized that, aside from a few goals which no longer excite me as much as they did before, my goals remained basically the same. I think what has changed in the past months instead were the order of my priorities, coupled with the realization that I need to take different or try several other paths to get to them.

This morning, what prompted me to write this blog was a feeling of exhilaration--finally, I am picking myself up, getting back on my feet, I already know where I want to go so it's okay if I don't know yet exactly how to get there.

To others, this is no milestone. What was not obvious to many was that my decision to stay in a boarding house December last year was actually prompted by an event, piled on top of several even more painful events in the past years. And the months that followed were equally difficult and frustrating, that I found myself crying myself to sleep for many nights. I think I must have cried all the tears I should have shed in the past but did not because I had to be strong and could not give in to feelings of helplessness.

I think I saw three of my most important dreams crumble in the past months. And two of these involved other people, and were thus somewhat beyond my control. It was frustrating, and I hated being a victim of other people's decisions, failures, and other painful things they have chosen to bring into their (and my) lives.

The only thing I was certain of was I deserve to be happy, and I wanted to figure out how to survive the disappointments. By moving to a boarding house, I was able to step back, feel my pain and somehow shelter myself from even more, and from that distance, I can reflect. It was a well-deserved break. When you are under so much pressure, I realized, it was not always wise to stay amidst the chaos. Every person has limits; I already reached mine. Amidst chaos, it is difficult to see things from a broader perspective.

It was also difficult to admit that I had limitations too, and that somebody else will be under a lot of pressure because I decided to leave. But I am no superwoman, and it was quite a comfort when people finally realize that you need them to understand you too, and to think about what is best for you. But this is not easy for me, and it does bother me once in a while. I was used to giving more than receiving. But maybe it's time I learn to accept I cannot be strong all the time. I think all these is part of learning to love yourself, and having more reasonable expectations of what you can do or bear.

Recently, I have included the Serenity Prayer in my morning ritual: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." And lately, this quote has become my favorite: “The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails.”

Things may not always go as we hoped or planned. But when one dream gets busted, we can replace it with another one. In my case, I'm replacing one dream with something as close to it, but more realistic this time, with a focus on what I and people concerned may be willing to work on. As for my two or three other big dreams, I'm keeping them. I will just probably try different paths.

A toast to all the dreamers and the doers!

Life: An Impending Makeover

Okay. I really, really have a lot of things to do. But somehow, I'm not in the mood to work. Siguro kasi nasira na ang momentum ko; it's a holiday and my roommate and I went to the mall, to buy some groceries and watch "Crazy, Stupid, Love."

But I think beyond that, I realized I have lots to think about. I am changing, as well as my priorities. There are certain realities I need to deal with.

Hay, sige na nga, I'll start rethinking my goals and dreams. My path now is bringing me close to one dream, but away from another. Or baka naman disillusioned lang ako sa ngayon.

Let's see.

Life: Now what?

For the past weeks, I got really, really frustrated. Because there were some things, some prayers, which were not being granted. I mean, some of my big prayers were not granted before. Natanggap ko na yun. Pero there was this one prayer, another huge prayer, I also wanted. And guess what, I'm not getting a positive answer, or even a sign, up to now.

It's difficult to keep believing a dream or a prayer would come true when you keep getting a no each time you muster the courage to take a risk, or give it a try.

I got so badly frustrated, that I was able to shut up about it for several days. Which is not normal for me. I rant when I feel bothered. I tell my friends what my problems are. When I shut up, it only means it bothers me so much I couldn't even talk about it. And that frustration was slowly spreading to other aspects of my life. For several days, or maybe weeks, I just don't feel as driven as usual. I do what I need to do, and that's it. I lost interest in pursuing what I want. I actually doubted whether I really want what I once thought I really wanted.

I was still feeling that way tonight, until I read Bo Sanchez's article about God's pruning (http://bosanchez.ph/how-to-multiply-your-harvest/). And it made me feel better. Okay, there are things I don't have, even if I want them and I feel I am ready to receive these blessings. And honestly, I still don't have the strength to get up and fight. I'm on a path of least resistance--let things happen, let the feelings flow, until you're ready to get yourself together.

But while I'm here, I'd like to take this as an opportunity to rethink my goals and my dreams. It's been a year since the time I listed my dreams down and in detail. A lot has happened and changed. And I think I may be losing interest partly also because I have outgrown some of them.

Oh well, I still don't feel completely okay. But at least I am learning to surrender. Sige na nga Lord, I believe even if I don't see. And kung di talaga pwede, gaya ng prayer ko sa inyo na mukhang no na talaga, sige na nga. Instead of focusing on what is not there, I'll try to focus on things I can still do something about. :)