Life: Now what?

For the past weeks, I got really, really frustrated. Because there were some things, some prayers, which were not being granted. I mean, some of my big prayers were not granted before. Natanggap ko na yun. Pero there was this one prayer, another huge prayer, I also wanted. And guess what, I'm not getting a positive answer, or even a sign, up to now.

It's difficult to keep believing a dream or a prayer would come true when you keep getting a no each time you muster the courage to take a risk, or give it a try.

I got so badly frustrated, that I was able to shut up about it for several days. Which is not normal for me. I rant when I feel bothered. I tell my friends what my problems are. When I shut up, it only means it bothers me so much I couldn't even talk about it. And that frustration was slowly spreading to other aspects of my life. For several days, or maybe weeks, I just don't feel as driven as usual. I do what I need to do, and that's it. I lost interest in pursuing what I want. I actually doubted whether I really want what I once thought I really wanted.

I was still feeling that way tonight, until I read Bo Sanchez's article about God's pruning (http://bosanchez.ph/how-to-multiply-your-harvest/). And it made me feel better. Okay, there are things I don't have, even if I want them and I feel I am ready to receive these blessings. And honestly, I still don't have the strength to get up and fight. I'm on a path of least resistance--let things happen, let the feelings flow, until you're ready to get yourself together.

But while I'm here, I'd like to take this as an opportunity to rethink my goals and my dreams. It's been a year since the time I listed my dreams down and in detail. A lot has happened and changed. And I think I may be losing interest partly also because I have outgrown some of them.

Oh well, I still don't feel completely okay. But at least I am learning to surrender. Sige na nga Lord, I believe even if I don't see. And kung di talaga pwede, gaya ng prayer ko sa inyo na mukhang no na talaga, sige na nga. Instead of focusing on what is not there, I'll try to focus on things I can still do something about. :)