Natutuwa ako. Last night, instead of plunging into work (I really have tons to do), I took the time to write down everything I want to do or to be, and the kind of future I want. I realized I was changing, and I suspected that my list of dreams now will be very different from the list I made a year ago.
But when I was done making the checklist, I realized that, aside from a few goals which no longer excite me as much as they did before, my goals remained basically the same. I think what has changed in the past months instead were the order of my priorities, coupled with the realization that I need to take different or try several other paths to get to them.
This morning, what prompted me to write this blog was a feeling of exhilaration--finally, I am picking myself up, getting back on my feet, I already know where I want to go so it's okay if I don't know yet exactly how to get there.
To others, this is no milestone. What was not obvious to many was that my decision to stay in a boarding house December last year was actually prompted by an event, piled on top of several even more painful events in the past years. And the months that followed were equally difficult and frustrating, that I found myself crying myself to sleep for many nights. I think I must have cried all the tears I should have shed in the past but did not because I had to be strong and could not give in to feelings of helplessness.
I think I saw three of my most important dreams crumble in the past months. And two of these involved other people, and were thus somewhat beyond my control. It was frustrating, and I hated being a victim of other people's decisions, failures, and other painful things they have chosen to bring into their (and my) lives.
The only thing I was certain of was I deserve to be happy, and I wanted to figure out how to survive the disappointments. By moving to a boarding house, I was able to step back, feel my pain and somehow shelter myself from even more, and from that distance, I can reflect. It was a well-deserved break. When you are under so much pressure, I realized, it was not always wise to stay amidst the chaos. Every person has limits; I already reached mine. Amidst chaos, it is difficult to see things from a broader perspective.
It was also difficult to admit that I had limitations too, and that somebody else will be under a lot of pressure because I decided to leave. But I am no superwoman, and it was quite a comfort when people finally realize that you need them to understand you too, and to think about what is best for you. But this is not easy for me, and it does bother me once in a while. I was used to giving more than receiving. But maybe it's time I learn to accept I cannot be strong all the time. I think all these is part of learning to love yourself, and having more reasonable expectations of what you can do or bear.
Recently, I have included the Serenity Prayer in my morning ritual: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." And lately, this quote has become my favorite: “The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails.”
Things may not always go as we hoped or planned. But when one dream gets busted, we can replace it with another one. In my case, I'm replacing one dream with something as close to it, but more realistic this time, with a focus on what I and people concerned may be willing to work on. As for my two or three other big dreams, I'm keeping them. I will just probably try different paths.
A toast to all the dreamers and the doers!
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