Life: Life's Finite

Yesterday, I went to bed early. I was tired, and also not feeling very well.

A thought was also bugging me, and kept me from having a good rest.

Life is finite. What if I don’t live till I’m 30? What if one day I am told that I am terminally ill?

My grandma died from breast cancer. That somehow bothered me. I know that having a history of cancer in the family means it can happen to us too.

So again, the question: What if one day I find out that I am sick and will not live long?

I felt scared. From the double-decker bed where I sleep at the boarding house, I stared out the window.

Life is finite.

But I dared ask myself, what will I do?

Somehow, I reassured myself I would still be okay. There are MANY things I haven’t done yet, many places I haven’t been to, many dreams I would so badly want to see happen. You see, I have listed my dreams down last year. And everyday of my life, I try to do what I should do to make those come true. This, somehow, made me feel better: I am living my life as I have chosen, I am giving it my best, I am learning and trying to be a better person, I am living life exactly as I had dreamed.

If God says, “Time’s up!” life will find me in the exact path where I wanted to be right now. Of course, by choosing this path, I gave up others—other opportunities, other experiences, other places I would have been to. Even within this path, there is so much more I haven’t reached nor done yet. But then again, at 27, I was given many things. I have seen enough miracles, I guess. And if life ends, I will probably have several regrets, but happy enough to say I lived a life that made some sense.

What else will I do?

I will probably make a few adjustments in my schedule and my life. But I will do what I am doing now, plus a few more things if time permits. I will keep pursuing the career I wanted, going places, eating, spending time with friends, probably a bit more time with my family, taking a walk once in a while, writing, reading. I will spend each moment living in the now, whilst also pursuing those dreams I have listed down.

Then, I reassured myself, it wouldn’t be so bad. Life’s a lease. If I had been given almost 3 decades to live, I should be grateful. I am grateful.

I also told myself that with or without an illness, I cannot claim I will still be alive tomorrow. Anything can happen. Life remains to have limits, I am simply not so aware of it.

Did I feel like I wanted to fast-track everything so I get to do more? A bit, yes.

It was a morbid thing to think about. But somehow I am glad I am thinking about it. It made me more aware of my priorities.

I am where I want to be. I may not be at my desired destination or goal yet, but I am on my way. If life ends and I never make it there, I will still be thankful. The path, and the people I have met, are worth it, and for the most part, have been worth the sacrifices. (Although I did wish I would meet the man of my dreams before I move to the next life. It would have been a big loss for him never to have met me, haha. Just kidding.)

I somehow felt I loved life more now that I am more aware it can end anytime.

But I do wish to make more improvements. I’d like to love more. As a line in the song "Seasons of Love" from the musical Rent goes:

Measure your life in love.

I try to love by being able to provide for my family. I think that’s important but not enough. I am trying to do more. To give more time, to listen, to have more kind words to say.

Sana I am doing things right. While I do have a tendency for drama, I usually am not fond of grand acts, just small gestures of love, kindness, and gratefulness.

Despite all the self-assurances, I still felt scared last night. I prayed, not for strength, but just for Him to be there while I sleep. I just need to be assured He’s there and I will not be alone. I am probably nowhere near being an ideal Catholic or Christian, but I do hope that as I do what I do well and makes me happy, I am also able to serve, and be an instrument.

Food: Chicharon ng Sta. Maria, Bulacan

Dalawang oras pa lang ang nakalilipas mula nakauwi ako sa boarding house galing sa field visit namin sa Sta. Maria, Bulacan para sa isang research study. Katatapos ko pa lang kumain ng tanghalian, sinangag, pritong hipon (na di ko naubos nung hapunan kagabi), at chicharon galing Sta. Maria. Nalalasahan ko pa siya. Yummm.

Sayang, wala akong camera kaya walang photo ang chicharon. Kaya ikkwento ko na lang.

Di gaya ng mga chicharon na nakikita ko sa Metro Manila, ang chicharon nila ay siksik, hindi puro hangin. Di lang balat, may laman din siya. Malutong, at medyo mainit-init pa nung binili namin kanina. Maalat-alat, at may onti ring anghang. Sabi nga ng binilhan namin, may chili flavor ito.

Sinimulan namin siyang papakin habang pabalik ng Manila. Bawat kagat mo, matunog. Ganun siya kalutong. Pag-uwi ko ng bahay, nagsangag ako. Tapos, kumuha ako ng suka. Para mas masarap pa ang kain, nagkamay na ako, kinuha ang chicharon, at isinawsaw sa suka. Walang tigil ang subo ko ng pagkain. Grabe, ang sarap kumain.

Alam kong Holy Week ngayon. Pero nakakagutom talaga, lalo na't ang aga naming bumyahe, at ang matinong kain lang namin ay agahan at pa-snacks ng barangay. 2pm na rin kami nakabalik ng Manila. Kaya bukod sa inaantok na, nakaramdam na rin ako ng gutom.

Dumaan din kami sa Our Lady of Lourdes Grotto sa San Jose del Monte. Pinuntahan namin yung lugar kung saan raw nagpakita ang Our Lady of Lourdes, pati na rin ang bukal na tinuturing na banal na tubig ng marami.

Hay, ang perks ng fieldwork--pagkain at pasyal. At maraming kwento. Shempre may konting lessons na rin sa geography along the way.

------
P.S. Ang pangalan pala ng chicharon ay Obet's. Nakatikim rin kasi ako ng iba pang chicharon sa Sta. Maria, pero di kasingsarap nito. Promise, wala akong commission dito.

P.P.S. Nakabili ulit kami ng chicharon na ito, at this time, nakunan ko na ng picture!!

Life: When It Rains, It Pours

I honestly am overwhelmed with everything that came my way since last week. Considering that several weeks prior to that, most of the things I hoped to happen did not happen when I already hoped they would. Career-wise, I felt like I had been in a limbo for weeks.

I remember complaining to my brother about two weeks ago. And he told me, maybe there are things coming my way.

He was right. That same week, things started falling into place. Now, I have more tasks than I had foreseen. More exciting prospects that I had asked for.

Am I nervous and scared? Yes. Definitely. But I am also happy for the opportunities to face my fears. To learn what else I can do. To develop my skills.

Do I feel stressed? Yes. My list of things to do is starting to get longer. But I learned that the best medicines for stress are (1) action, and (2) relaxation and rest.

Right now, I am already accepting that for the next couple of weeks, I'd be working till night, and probably even during some weekends and holidays. But I am excited and grateful for the learnings, for the opportunities. I look forward to working with the people I'd be working with, even those we'd be interviewing.

Grabe. I love research. I love learning about life, and understanding other people. I love going to places, but going a bit deeper by understanding their society, and not just seeing their famous and picturesque sites. And combined with the prospect, and the prayer, that the studies we conduct may be used in the creation of plans and programs that would help marginalized sectors and society's development in general. I am happy. I am overwhelmed. I am humbled.

For tonight, my only prayers are: Please take care of my loved ones. Thank you for the blessings. Guide us again tomorrow. Sana, in the course of doing what we love and hope to do well, we are able to fulfill a higher purpose as well. And please take care of the person who inspires me. :) Amen.

Prayers: Serenity Prayer

Another one of my favorite prayers....

The Serenity Prayer

God, grant us the
Serenity to accept things we cannot change,
Courage to change the things we can, and the
Wisdom to know the difference
Patience for the things that take time
Appreciation for all that we have, and
Tolerance for those with different struggles
Freedom to live beyond the limitations of our past ways, the
Ability to feel your love for us and our love for each other and the
Strength to get up and try again even when we feel it is hopeless.

- attributed to Reinhold Niebuhr

Prayers: Fall in Love (attributed to Fr. Arrupe, S.J.

Fall in Love

Attributed to Fr. Pedro Arrupe, SJ (1907–1991)

Nothing is more practical than
finding God, than
falling in Love
in a quite absolute, final way.
What you are in love with,
what seizes your imagination, will affect everything.
It will decide
what will get you out of bed in the morning,
what you do with your evenings,
how you spend your weekends,
what you read, whom you know,
what breaks your heart,
and what amazes you with joy and gratitude.
Fall in Love, stay in love,
and it will decide everything.

Prayers: A Prayer by Thomas Merton

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going,
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.

Nor do I really know myself,
and the fact that I think I am following your will
does not mean that I am actually doing so.

But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.

I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road,
though I may know nothing about it.

I will not fear, for you are ever with me,
and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.


- in Thoughts in Solitude by Thomas Merton

Spiritual Workout Day 3: Following Him

Among the verses for Day 3, the one that touched me most was:

"Whoever serves me must follow me, and where I am, there also will my servant be." (John 12: 26)

And I do not have much of a reflection. Only that following Him is usually difficult. At times you don't understand why something is not allowed. At times you have to go against what everyone is doing or believes to be right. At times you just feel like rebelling against the rules.

I just have one short prayer. For faith, that we may believe and obey though we do not always understand. For guidance, on those times when we couldn't figure out what we should do. For strength, to be able to do what should be done. For a capacity to forgive, others and ourselves, for the shortcomings. And when we falter, the wisdom to learn from our mistakes and stand up and start again. Amen.

Life: Goodnight, Mr.!

My eyes are tired from reading, writing, and typing. I wasn't feeling well earlier today but still worked a bit during the day. I slept and rested for the most part though. Then began seriously working after dinner.

It's past 12am. Yep, I take home work. Call me workaholic or whatever, but tired and frustrated as I may feel at times, I am happy to be able to have the opportunity to do what I want.

But I'm signing off before 1am. And before I go to bed, I just want to say goodnight to the man who, in many ways, had inspired me. And continues to inspire me.

You don't know how much you have helped me and kept me going. How you helped me realize what I want, and decide to stick to it.

I am likewise grateful that you don't know your impact in my life. I want things this way. For now. :)

One day, I hope I can meet you and thank you in person.

Good night, Mr. I am including you in my prayers....

Spiritual Workout Day 2: Love Lets You Choose

The readings for Day 2 brought to mind two things. One is that love lets you choose. The other is why it is difficult to choose right over wrong.

Love lets you choose

Let me relate this to my Day 1 post. We are in the heart of God. He loves us, but He never required us to love Him back. By giving us free will, He allowed us to choose to believe in Him, or to choose not to. So in effect, you can actually choose not to love Him back, not to pray, not to have faith. But He'd continue loving you and blessing you anyway.

What is beautiful about free will and unconditional love is that it allows you to grow, to learn things on your own, to make mistakes. An opportunity to understand why the rules say you shouldn't do this or that. I am not trying to defend sin or rule-breaking. I have just learned that some of us will not listen until we hit rock bottom, until we learn things the hard way.

But more than this, you are free to choose to love Him back. To accept Him into your life. While we are all receiving blessings whether we are believers or not, it is only when we open are hands and hearts to Him that some blessings are finally able to pour in. Like peace. Like more love. Like faith. Like more strength.

"When the soul is ready, the blessing will appear." God lets us take our time, until we are ready to accept Him, allow Him to be part of our lives. When we don't feel Him at all, it may not be because He is not there, but because we have not allowed Him to come in.

Trying to be good is not a guarantee of a happy life

I don't know if I am just being a bit pessimistic this time. But I have learned that being good and trying to do what is right is definitely not easy. Even if you don't mean any harm, people will find reasons to hate you. Even if your intentions are good, you will be misinterpreted. People you love and care for will not always appreciate what you are doing. Not to mention the pressure to do what is wrong just to conform. And of course, with our own shortcomings and lack of understanding, we will inevitably make mistakes along the way.

I was taught that God blesses both the good and the bad. But if this is so, why choose to be good? Mahirap kaya! And besides, they said following God will not erase your problems anyway (baka dumami pa nga eh!). So why follow Him at all?!!!

Actually, I don't have an answer, well at least not a religious one. To me, it boiled down to choosing to be the person you wish to be. It is a choice of character, of the kind of life you'd like to live, of the meaning you wish your life to have. The rewards of choosing good is in the choice itself--it shapes who you are and how you see yourself.

And while there is no guarantee that the good you do will always be appreciated, I believe it can go a long way. You will never know who among the people you met today you have touched, and will touch others in the future. Sometimes, the only way to thank God for His love is to pass it on.

Places: Jogging inside the Campus, Day 2

Buti na lang may blog.

Today's a Saturday and I told myself I will not leave the house. I have work to finish. Actually, I already felt frustrated. I am working on the third draft of the annex. I just couldn't seem to get it right. Gusto ko na nga sanang umiyak, o kaya manood na lang ng movie sa sobrang frustration. Kaso naisip ko, pag ginawa ko yun, lalong tatagal ang paghihirap ko. And besides, this is part of the learning process. I chose to be a researcher and writer. I need to keep honing my skills until I can already do things well. So I decided to keep working on the annex this weekend so that by early next week, I can already send it to my boss.

So in the meantime, my outlet will be blogging. And to further amuse myself, I am sharing here what happened during our jogging yesterday.
-------------------------------

My officemate, Grace, and I jogged again. Habang may time pa at di pa kasagsagan ulit ng busy season, samantalahin na namin. Vanie, another officemate, wasn't able to join us. Our dismissal was earlier by an hour on Fridays, so it wasn't dark yet around the campus when we started jogging. We decided to go to other parts of the campus which Grace hasn't seen yet.

Sabi namin kay Vanie ihahatid namin siya sa hagdan pababa ng Barangka, Marikina. And we did. From our office near the college area, we crossed the "brick road," took some photos, and also passed by paths surrounded by trees. Near the stairs to Marikina, fallen leaves have started to pile up. And surrounded by huge trees, with only a few people passing by, it makes you feel like you're on your way to the heart of a forest.








(Photos courtesy of my officemate, Vanie)

So anyway, we walked Vanie until the gate of Ateneo in Barangka, then climbed the stairs back to the main campus. We counted the steps. So sa pagitan ng mga bilang namin--"91,92, 93, etc."--may malalalim nang paghinga. In all, we made more than 150 steps from the gate where we left Vanie until we reached the top of the stairs.

We took a leisurely walk first. Naman, paakyat yung 150+ steps na yun. The road was sloping upward. Pero since it was a walk, I didn't mind. Then, Grace said we start jogging. I said, "Cge" and then told myself, kaya ko to, while looking at the road winding upward towards the campus's main road. In less than a minute, we hit the main road. By then we were already panting. That was also the first time I felt that much pain on my chest. It was painful to take deep breaths. Hindi binti ko ang na-exercise nang todo. Baga ko.

After a few minutes, the pain was finally gone, and we started jogging again until we were already near the office.

It may not be such a long jog, but it was just fun to challenge yourself to do things you haven't done before. Although I'd be careful not to stress myself too quickly next time. Kawawa naman ang baga ko. Feeling ko ngayon lang siya napilitang huminga nang ganun kalalim.

My officemates and I have more plans next week. Hopefully, we find the time to do them!

Spiritual Workout Day1: God's Love for You

I saw this spiritual workout challenge from a blog I was browsing through (http://jonmanongdo.wordpress.com/ and http://bob-rice.com/). I decided I'd like to give it a try. I mean honestly, I do not see myself as a devout Catholic. But then I just wanted to do something for Him. I wanted to join the choir and sing, but then I'm not good at singing and I don't have the time yet to join a choir. I dreamed of one day playing the guitar during praise and worship, but I am yet to memorize the basic chords and learn how to do strumming, etc. But what I have always done better than music and sports was... writing.

So for now, this is how I serve Him... I shall write.

Day 1: God's Love for Us



I was reminded of a line from Jason Mraz's "God Moves through You."

Believe not God is in your heart, child/But rather you're in the heart of God

I grew up in a Catholic family, with my mom bringing us to church every Sunday and on days of obligation. I attended Catholic schools from prep til high school (actually until college). In those days, my faith, my beliefs were plain and simple. We had classes where we discussed Catholic teachings. Some I couldn't really comprehend. But I had faith, and at that time, I thought that was enough.

Life got tougher as I grew up. Until I learned to question God and ask Him "Why?" And I had a lot of questions too. I had sociology and philosophy classes, and they changed the way I looked at life, and even religion.

Honestly, in my own quiet way, I rebelled against God. I lost faith. But contradictory as it may seem, I sought Him too. I wanted to understand life and God better, so I read non-Catholic books, I was open to other religions. I wanted answers to my questions, I wanted to know how best to look at what was going on.

While I rebelled and asked questions, I also learned many things about faith, about life. I remember something I picked up from our theology class, that there are things that happen to us which break our old image of who God is, and lead us to another image of Him. What I went through broke my old image of God, and led me to a deeper appreciation of the things that happened in my life.

Another thing I learned was that as hard as it is to keep the faith when life seems to spin out of control, it is actually a lot more difficult to refuse to believe in God. Grabe. I got to a point when I felt so helpless I just cried, and a friend told me I keep trying to carry the burden on my own. Why not give the burden to God? And now I know she is right.

And! I realized there is no escaping God. Whenever I would look back at the past 27 years of my life, I realize that at many points I tried not to believe in God anymore, or at least I distanced myself from Him. I'd try to live life without Him. But I always get to a point when I either already feel like giving up, or I get tired of the emptiness. Then I would go back to Him again. And I'd feel better. Ewan ko ba. I still don't understand it completely. I am not one to surrender easily in life. But I do find peace whenever I am able to lift things up, whenever I pray, whenever I am able to force myself to accept I really can't do something on my own.

And these times when I am already talking to Him more often, I believed He must be in my heart already. But when I heard Jason Mraz's song, I realized it's the other way around. I am in His. And I felt safe.

I know that this kind of faith is not easy to understand for those who are nonbelievers. I know. I have been there. I AM there. I have been exposed to different ways of seeing things. Religion is just one of them. In many ways, believing in what you do not see, believing that the Bible is the Word of God, and all these things are hard to comprehend for the rational mind. And I did not want to believe what I couldn't first find as rational. But I thought, maybe faith is something I have to experience before I could understand. So I jumped right in (or I think circumstances gave me no better choice).

I will not pretend that everything makes sense to me now. Only that I am more at peace. I still do not understand God, but I believe in Him. I see problems in my life, and I also see the miracles. I am grateful for both (uhm, but of course more for the latter. :P) And I am glad that every time I got "lost" I was led back home.

Oh well, there really is nowhere you can go if you are already in His heart. In the end, wherever your feet brings you, your heart will lead you back. It knows its home. And when you come back, you'd realize you were never "away" from Him. Because when you look back at that time when you went astray, you'd recognize He had been there, making sure you'd be safe, because things could definitely have gone worse but they didn't. And you met people who helped you and guided you. He really watched over you.

With all these, how can you not feel loved?

Places: Jogging inside the Campus

I entered Ateneo as a freshman student in June 2001. Graduated in March 2005. Worked in the university April 2005 til 2008, moved to an NGO which is not affiliated with Ateneo but holds office within the campus, then moved back to being a staff of the university. So this June, I will be celebrating a decade of staying within the Ateneo campus. Wow!

Anyway,as I've been here for so long, might as well share some things I loved about being and working here. The more stories I hear about my friends' working environment, the more I am able to appreciate the perks of working within this campus.

The second semester is officially over, and summer classes hasn't begun yet. These past days, the campus is a lot more quiet--with fewer cars coming in and leaving, parking slots are available, very few students roaming around... you get the picture. So for the past few days, whenever I would walk from the gate of the campus to our office, it has felt like you almost have the campus to yourself. It somehow puts you in a pleasant mood, as you walk under the shadow of big trees and paved sidewalks--in contrast with the noise and "more real world" along Katipunan and nearby places.

My officemate and I decided we'd jog around the campus after office. We usually stayed by the sidewalk, but would at times use the road instead, as it is wider and at times more convenient to use especially in parts where the sidewalks aren't flat, with roots of trees protruding or ruining the pavement. There were very few cars passing anyway.

It was a short jog, but a badly needed exercise. The past weeks had been busy for us, working on project reports, preparing for meetings, working on proposals, preparing for next projects.

Aside from this, jogging around the campus makes me feel grateful to be given the opportunity to work here. I love the place. It's as close to nature as I could get while in the city. It is, to me, an office, a place to learn, a place to nurture friendships. It is a place to take a walk when I need one, to sit when I need to stare in space, to pray to ask for something or to just say thank you.

While jogging, my officemate and I were already thinking about a next activity: badminton.

It's a quiet campus that offers a lot, if you will just step out of that office and take time to enjoy the place. There's more to that you can do than work in front of the computer.

Sana, I get to do more things while still in this campus. :) I think there are some food stalls my officemates and I have not yet visited....

Food: Squidball+isaw+fruitshakes+sunken garden+many stories

Last Friday, my officemates and I were finally able to go to UP for a food trip. It was also a sort of "tour" for two colleagues. (My other officemate is a UP graduate; I am currently studying in UP). On our way to the Shopping Center, my officemate was sharing some stories about her UP days. It sounded more like an historical account, although she graduated only a few years back. Though I am taking my masters here, I think an undergrad experience of UP is still something different. It wasn't just a school for her; it seems like it was home too, the way I would talk about Ateneo, where I finished my undergrad and have been working for more than 4 years already.

At the shopping center, first stop was the fishball stand right in front of the SC. I'm not a fan of fishball, so I ordered squidball. Hmm, ang sarap ng squidball nila. Malasa at siksik, hindi puro hangin. Yung iba kasi pag sinawsaw mo na sa suka, parang bolang naubusan ng hangin--lumiliit talaga.

Next stop was the fruitshake stand inside SC. My officemates tried different combinations of fruits and vegetables. But ever since my officemate brought the cheese+avocado shake to our office, I remained in love with it. No reason to order anything else.


(Photo courtesy of my officemate, Grace)

Next stop was isaw. Halos lahat ng klase kumuha kami: isaw manok, isaw baboy, balunbalunan, atay, etc. Mula natuto ako sa mga kaibigan ko, laging ang sawsawan ko na ay "halo"--pinagsamang matamis na sawsawan at maanghang. Mas masarap kesa maanghang lang o kaya matamis lang.

To make the food trip more special, we brisk-walked to the Sunken Garden. Well, we were already both hungry and excited. Pasaway nga eh. We were passing by joggers, and my colleagues were like: "Hmm, ang sarap sarap ng isaw." Sorry nalang sa mga nagddiet. Pagbigyan na, masaya lang kami. :)

After what seemed like a long time, we finally reached the Sunken Garden and sat on the grass, under branches of big, old trees which partly covered our view of a star-lit sky, with lovers at the bench at our backs, under the tree on our left, and everywhere in the field in front of us.

We shared stories--of course, two officemates who are in relationships shared sweet stuffs their partners told them or did for them. I and another officemate, also single, listened (haha, and tried not to be bitter) and shared other, non-romantic stories too.

I loved the food. But I think what I loved more about the food trip was the fact that I have people to share simple joys with. I'm grateful for that.

Life: Feast Quezon City in UP

In the past weeks (or I think months), I stepped back and did a lot of thinking. Much as I want to live like a hermit for a few months until I figure things out, I just can't. And the most I could do was to distance myself from almost all that I've been doing, save for a few commitments which I cannot abandon.

One of those things I stopped doing for a while was attending the Feast.

So today--the first Quezon City Feast held on a Saturday (5pm) and within the UP Campus (GT Toyota Center)--is my first Feast after many weeks of absence.




And it was worth it. The music ministry was really great, and as usual, the talk will touch you in a very personal way (yes, it made me rethink some life plans).

Today's talk on guiding people was the last part of a series, J1N1 (Jesus in Everyone)/How to be Spiritually Contagious. One question posed by the speaker goes something like: Will you be a pointer (pointing someone to God's direction) or a bringer (bringing someone to God)? Hmm... Got me thinking.

During the session too, we were asked to close our eyes and "see" our dreams. This shouldn't have been anything too special for me. I am a dreamer and a daydreamer. I can formulate stories in my head, just to amuse myself. (One day I should really seriously try writing scripts!) More than this, I think about what I want in life and pursue these.

But what struck me during the session was that I "saw" a dream that, for a long time, I wasn't sure I wanted. I just closed my eyes, somehow let go of the fear that holds me back from imagining this one, and I "saw" what I'd like years from now. Yes, years from now. But not yet now.

I opened my eyes, knowing now what I want to do next. I am preparing myself for that next dream. Besides that, I recalled some more dreams I also wrote down before. I will pursue them too, one at a time. I will serve. in many ways. for a long time.

"When the soul is ready, the blessing will appear." I believe this. I'll work hard for each dream I'd want to seriously pursue. So that when the blessing finally comes, I am ready to receive it.

Thank you, Feast Quezon City!