Life: Broken Pieces of Glass

I am dedicating this post to each one out there who belongs to a broken family.

I spent Christmas thinking about my life, what I need to change, what I need to maintain.

I am 28 now. For the most part of those almost three decades of existence, the only thing I wanted was a real home. I grew up seeing my parents fight over the pettiest to the most important decisions, throwing painful words at each other. You see the respect and love they had for one another slip away, one piece at a time. And you can guess that by this time, they just looked like two old volcanoes erupting almost everyday. Love and respect almost totally gone.

We've done almost everything we could--prayer, shed tears, talk to them (calmly to angrily), leave the house. Name all the drama you can think of. We spent so many days not wanting to go home. Or waking up to a new problem or drama the next day.

But for some unknown reason, I'd regard this as a miracle, my siblings and I somehow survived with our hearts bruised but our sanity intact.

But why am I telling you all these? Because while I know my sister is still praying for a miracle, I'm deciding to pray for something else.

I would compare my family to a broken glass. Too much energies have been spent trying to put back the pieces, when the two most important piece would not really want to be mended. So the pieces of broken glass remain lying that way.

Now, I will no longer make any efforts to put the broken glass together. But I promise to love each broken piece of glass, because each one is a loved one who took care of me and somehow molded me into who I am now. I will love each broken piece, and even if it cuts and injures me, I will no longer run away.

And if someone asks to meet my family, I will not present a typical family -- one that is whole. I will introduce him to each broken piece of glass. And if he can love each broken piece, I included, then, he's the one.

Books: Sam's Letter to Jennifer by James Patterson

Let me just list down some of my favorite quotes from the book. I really liked the story, moreso the message. Parang this is exactly what I had to read about at this point in my life.

"Whether it is as fleeting as the sun-kissed days of summer or lasts nearly the length of a lifetime, love is always worth it."

"I want to ramble on a little about the importance of second, and even third, chances. I was helping out in the library one day, when a bookmark fell from the pages of a novel. Actually, it was a handwritten note, a quote attributed to a Father Alfred D'Souza. D'Souza had written, "For a long time, it had seemed to me that life was about to begin--real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be got through first, some unfinished business, some time to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life."

"Don't shut out love for good. I couldn't feel this more strongly, my sweet, smart girl. It's why I'm writing these letters to you. Please don't shut out love--it's the best thing about life."

"Sam's eyes stayed on Brendan. 'Fight it,' she whispered. 'I did.'"

"Life is coming together beautifully, Jennifer. Life does that sometimes."

"And I told you that living life was like putting the beach into a jar. The point wasn't to fit everything in; it was to attend to the most important things first--the big, beautiful rocks, the most valuable people and experiences--and fit the lesser things in around them. Otherwise, the best things might get left out."

Life: Writing, Reading, Sipping Tea

Wow, it's been a month na pala since my last entry.

Today is 11 December, a Sunday. It's 1:30am. I am sitting at the dining area in our boarding house.

I just came home from Starbucks, where I sat for more than two hours, sipping tea while writing on my journal and reading "Sam's Letters to Jennifer" by James Patterson. After working for almost 3 weeks straight, I felt all the exhaustion only today. I slept the entire day; this rendezvous at Starbucks is another way to spoil myself.

It was just the rest I needed. I wrote calmly in my journal, and read my entry after I finished the novel. My handwriting was neat, and the entry, calm but honest. I had the time to really think some things through, and I don't mean just the guy who bothers my world, but more important stuffs and decisions I had to make.

The journal entry was like an "accounting" of my life now vis-a-vis where I had wanted to be. In some aspects, i got exactly what I wanted. But in others, I was nowhere near. And then, there were things I had to admit I only thought I wanted, but deep deep down, I am not ready for them.

This has to be one of my best journal entries. There were two lessons/realizations which finally had to sink in.

From one Christian activity I attended, one of the leaders said that God will not always move our mountains, but He will give us the strength to overcome them. Since I was a little girl, I had this one prayer. It was not granted, and it has not been granted so far. But it was important to me. Siguro, this is the point of surrender. I am no longer praying for things to change, just for me and my family to be stronger to face it. Now that I've said that, I actually felt more at peace. It's not lack of faith when You finally surrender something so important to you to God. I'd say it's trust. Faith.

When I finished reading the novel, I was also reminded of another realization I had one First Friday Mass where I read the First reading and responsorial psalm. Life may not always turn out the way we wanted or expected, but in the end, we will still be okay. We will do well. We will be alright.

So, as I made an accounting of my life, and realized that some things are not happening the way I had hoped, I assured myself: "Everything will be alright. God will take care of it."

Life: Seeing things in a different light

Ok. Yes. This is again about my infatuation na di ko alam kung may patutunguhan.

Shempre, it saddens me naman. Before it rarely bothers me a lot that I never had a boyfriend. Pero ngayon, it already does, and I am tempted, many times, to ask: What is wrong with me? hindi lang pala tempted, kasi nagawa ko na.

Alam ko naman, having a boyfriend is far from being a basic need. It's not as essential as air, water, food, faith, loved ones. Pero still.... you get the point.

A few times, someone came my way, wala lang, ginulo lang ang buhay ko. Painful actually. Kasi ilang beses, inisip mong baka pwede, tapos bigla wala na naman. Nakakapagod. I wasn't even given a chance to introduce myself more, or to get to know him more.

Pero at the same time, nakakapagod na rin maging preoccupied, at maging malungkot, about my status. About what I've never had, or felt. So ngayon, I'm shifting my focus na. Finally! Napagod rin ako.

Now Im just thinking. This last guy who disturbed my world, he really disturbed my world. Pero this also became a chance for me to finally break free from my trauma of rejection. It allowed me to take risks, to risk breaking my heart again, to accommodate someone. It became an opportunity for me to learn more about myself, about that part of me I wouldn't know about if he never came. I was left confronting my own weaknesses. Pero in a sense ok lang yun. Kasi I know I am not the same person anymore.

So I guess, di man ito magmaterialize, at least I got a lot of lessons from it. :)

Faith: Prayer of Rupert Meyer

I found this prayer while reading FB wall posts and updates. Just wanted to share it here.

PRAYER OF RUPERT MEYER

Lord, what You will let it be so

Where You will there we will go

What is Your will help us to know

Lord, when You will the time is right

In You there's joy in strife

For Your will I'll give my life

To ease Your burden brings no pain

To forego all for You is gain

As long as I in You remain

Because You will it, it is best

Because You will it, we are blest

Till in Your hands our hearts find rest

Till in Your hands our hearts find rest

Places: Jogging at QC Circle and UP

Two Saturdays ago, my roommates and I had a jogging date. We went to Quezon City Circle, which was just a short walk from our boarding house. The place is huge, and it took us a while to find the place where the joggers were.

QC Circle, apart from being one of very few parks in Metro Manila, amuses me in many ways. It has huge, old trees lining the pathwalks. There's an area where restaurants and fastfoods are. There's a playground, an area where people were doing aerobics and you can join them for a minimal fee, zipline, BIKES!!, and many other activities. But what struck me most were the street foods and the tiangge, which caught my attention the moment we walked past them. My eyes quickly scanned the clothes and stuffs on sale, and the food stalls we passed by. They caught my attention the way a moreno, kind and smart-looking man, with a handsome smile, does.

In short, we haven't started jogging yet, but my mind was already glued on what we'd do after the jog. Which did not really take too long.

We left the house at 8am, which means the morning's cool air is almost already gone. While the jogging area in QC Circle was a pleasant place too, and with a CR nearby, there were no trees to shade joggers and runners from the heat of the sun. So after about 8 minutes of jogging, I got tired already, and felt like I was being fried. That must be past 8:30am already, or about 9am. We decided to jog a bit more in a more shaded area of the Circle, but got tired again after a few minutes.

Then, the fun part began. We shopped. And we ate. :) There were good clothes being sold at very low prices. I was able to buy 4 pieces of clothing, for less than P400. (Let me defend myself. I rarely buy clothes. And I only bought those on my priority list, ie. I really needed to buy.)

Then, we ate. The choices were so many. There were siomai, pancit, fruitshakes, hotdogs, corn, kikiam, siopao, fishballs, and even rice meals. Name it. There was even paella. We of course spent more time eating and shopping than jogging.




The following Saturday though, we jogged at UP. We were deliberately avoiding QC Circle. It's too tempting! We had a "serious" jog, by which I mean we jogged continuously for about 2 kilometers, and then did another 2 km more walk around the oval. Of course, it would not be complete without food. But unlike the previous Saturday, I deliberately brought only P40, to make sure I don't do some shopping. I bought taho (my roommate bought karioka), then we had fruitshakes too! (There was an event, and the fruitshake stand at the UP Shopping Center had a booth near the oval at the time. I'd say it was meant to be. :P I love their shakes.)

Life: Notebooks

Well, I am a researcher by occupation and vocation. Plus, even before I was even in college, I kept a diary, or a journal, and in college, I write down everything I need to get done, etc. in a small notebook.

I am still the same person, I guess. Plus I was also influenced by my researcher-boss/mentor.

In addition to my cellphone (where I had set reminders for my other tasks), these notebooks help me organize my life. The green notebook is my fielwork notebook (matataranta ako pag nawala yan); the yellow one is my to-do/to-buy notebook, the brown one is newly opened (it was a gift), and I intend to use it to write down Bible passages and prayers I liked (seriously, I think I need to do this if I want my faith to grow even by a few centimeters); annd the striped one was the notebook I used to list down our Boracay trip expenses. For now, I decided to use it as my recipe notebook (i.e., recipes I copied from the internet and followed).

Welcome to my world!

Food: Cooking Chicken Adobo

I just have to put this on record. This is my first EVER chicken adobo. Shempre, it's not perfect. But it tasted okay, and tasted like adobo to my housemates. :)

Faith: Disturbing the Already Disturbed

This morning, I attended the Pasig Feast. During Bro. Obet's talk, they flashed a prayer, and we were asked to read parts of it. The prayer was "Disturb us, O Lord."

I've encountered the prayer before. And while I was reading it aloud together with the other attendees, I somehow stopped and stared at the lines. My friend, who was sitting beside me, I realized, also stopped reading. Then we both laughed.

As it is, our lives are already disturbed. Actually, we don't know if we want more disturbances right now. Haha!

But I still posted parts of it on my Facebook account. And I am writing about it here. Because some lines struck me:

Disturb us, Lord, to dare more boldly,

To venture on wilder seas

Where storms will show Your mastery...

I just thought I'd hang on to my edited Prayer No. 1. I don't understand why things happened the way they did, and whether there's even a purpose for it. But maybe, just maybe, it's one of those few things with a purpose indeed, and it will unfold in time.

I'm hanging on to hope. Sana it is granted. Not just for me and my siblings. Above all, it's for my parents. Mataray man ako at matigas ang ulo, love ko sila. I am praying for their happiness, for the best that life can still offer them.

I know at a certain point, I need to let go and let God. I can't keep telling God what to do. I just need to ask, and now that I have, to just trust Him. Argh. This is difficult to someone like me who wants to be in control of things. Grrr.

Pero fine. I'm trying. Really. I mean I will try, starting tonight.

Below is the complete text of the prayer. (Copied from http://churchedge.blogspot.com/2007/11/disturb-us-o-lord.html)

Disturb us, Lord, when
We are too pleased with ourselves,
When our dreams have come true
Because we dreamed too little,
When we arrived safely
Because we sailed too close to the shore.

Disturb us, Lord, when
with the abundance of things we possess
We have lost our thirst
For the waters of life;
Having fallen in love with life,
We have ceased to dream of eternity
And in our efforts to build a new earth,
We have allowed our vision
Of the new Heaven to dim.

Disturb us, Lord, to dare more boldly,
To venture on wilder seas
Where storms will show Your mastery;
Where losing sight of land,
We shall find the stars.

We ask you to push back
The horizons of our hopes;
And to push back the future
In strength, courage, hope, and love.

This we ask in the name of our Captain,
Who is Jesus Christ.

Sir Francis Drake

Faith: Good deeds are not enough

Before I shut this computer down and try to cook my first-ever chicken adobo, I think I owe it to write this one down.

Naisip ko, I've been trying to be a good person. I've been trying to do good. To serve God through others. But at the end of the day, it still doesn't feel enough. May kulang pa rin.

Now I understand. Good deeds are not enough. You really need a personal relationship with Him.

Faith: Faith

As a kid, I had always been the more quiet type. I keep things to myself most of the time. Until I can't anymore, and I just explode. My rebellion began in high school, if I'm not mistaken. Over the years, life tamed my temper. At the same time, I began talking about my feelings to others. About what was going on in my life. But lately, I was back to being that quiet kid. I kept things to myself, until I can't do so any longer. I realized I needed people to listen, without judgment. Sometimes, I need them to simply understand, but they can't. And several things made me crawl back to my shell, opening up once in a while, but never as often as before.

Bottled up, my emotions at times overwhelms me. Life is sometimes so damn good at pouring too many things on your plate. It doesn't really care if it's beyond your strength. They say you won't be given trials you can't bear. I'd say, you definitely will be, at times more than your own fair share of burdens, even if you try to be the best human being on earth. You will just learn to pick yourself up along the way. Yes, trials can bring out the best in you, if it doesn't ruin you in the process.

Anyways, I decided, before I lose my sanity, to call up one of my close friends. Someone I think may be going through probably the same set of dilemmas. And she knows the background stories already, so I need not start telling her about the context.

During our conversation, faith and prayer came into the picture. I think I also raised something about Christians I've met who remember the exact date they accepted God into their lives. I grew up as a Catholic, and our equivalent of that, if I'm not mistaken, is baptism and probably confirmation (gosh, I hope I got this one correctly). She patiently explained to me that it's not a baptism, there's no ceremony. It's just you and God, and you accepting him as your Savior. Oh, and she remembers the exact date she did that one too. Nice.

I do remember, I was once a very faithful person. Yes, back in grade school and high school, I always prayed. And I believed. Despite everything. But in college, I just gave up. I got angry. Life was just too tough, and together with all the questions about God and religion piling up in my head, I just dropped faith. Once in a while, I still fulfilled my Catholic obligations, but not as regularly as before. I began welcoming other religions. I read other books. I wanted to understand, not just believe. I have to know what sort of God I'm believing in. And I guess I was also trying to find an explanation for all the things that had been going on in my life.

After college, faith was an on-and-off thing. I would join a group, but the business of life would get in the way. Or I'd lose interest. Or my faith would wane again.

My friend told me that maybe I am doing all these, but, just like before, she asked me about my personal relationship with God. Strangely though, or maybe not-so-strange for Christians, but that's the second time I've heard of "personal relationship with God" this week. One was last Sunday, from a barangay councilor we were working with. Was this just really such an essential part of Christians' language, that it gets mentioned again and again?

It only took me a few seconds to answer that question to myself. I don't. I know I don't have a personal relationship with him. When I was a kid, I know I didn't just pray. I talked with Him. Now, I read a short reflection every morning. That takes at most 3 minutes. Then I rush off to work. Sometimes, I say a VERY short prayer at night.

I guess you may say I have stopped praying. And even if I do, my faith was so miniscule. I rarely pray for the things that are so important to me. My faith wanes and withers so slowly, yet so steadily. Life just gets tougher each moment, despite my own efforts to make them simple. And I hate it. I hate it so much. Ive stopped praying because my life was barely changing for the better. My prayers were not being answered. It was so unfair. If you are among the unfortunate who had to be strong for others who draw strength from you, but you almost have no one to encourage you when the going gets tough, you'd know how I feel. At a certain point, you just get tired of trying to be strong, of sacrificing your own happiness. Leche. You have needs to, you need to be taken care of too, but you just have to take care of yourself, and nurse your own wounds. Then you face the world again, and try to be strong, when in fact deep within you are falling apart.

Sabi nila, whatever place you find yourself in, you brought yourself there. Not always true. When you are part of relationships, of any social circle, you will either benefit or suffer the consequences of other people's decision. Even if you are just a victim of circumstances, walking away is not an option.

Sana, if I and my siblings get a chance to have our own family and kids someday, our kids will never have to go through what we went through. Hindi ko kaya. This will just break my heart. And right now, I just want to do things that will allow me a chance to have a happy family. I'd like to be able to give to my children things I was not able to have. A love-filled, peaceful home. And many more.

Yes, I'm still dreaming and working even if I know life has the tendency to ruin things. And God has not been answering my prayers. I know it's bullshit to keep moving forward. But it's either I do that or I just drift through life, suffering not at all but also going nowhere.

Anyways, going back to the faith thing. My friend told me to just suspend all rationalizations and just have faith. Ouch. To me, that's hard. I can't believe what I don't understand. Or maybe I can. But God has a bad record when it comes to answering the things that are soooo important to me. If you were in my place, will you jump in, knowing you'd wound yourself? You won't.

So now, it's almost 1am, on a Friday. But I still didn't want to sleep. I have always been stuck in this place--of wanting to believe, but not wanting to have faith in a God who had disappointed me many times before. When one problem follows another, as if I do not have the right to rest.

Sorry, God, galit lang talaga ako sa inyo. And I honestly don't know if I can trust you again, the way I did when I was a kid, who would just bear things silently, cry, and pray.

Faith: Prayers

This morning, I woke up feeling really sad.

Maybe it was just because I had been dead tired the day before. We were on fieldwork and while we did had fun, I ended up working from late afternoon when I got home til night, trying to prepare for our meetings in the next days.

Maybe it was also triggered by discussions with a barangay councilor we were working with. She was a Christian. She told us about the hardships she and her family went through (she was from a low-income family), and about the miracles and blessings that came her way.

I couldn't help compare my situation with hers, and her faith with mine. Life may have been difficult for me, but it must have been worse for her. But her faith was a lot deeper than mine.

Before I opened up my prayer book, I looked outside. It was a gloomy morning. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I thought about how God has not granted my biggest prayers. Still. Yes, I do receive blessings in other aspects of life, but those 3 big wishes/prayers/hopes, they remain unanswered. My question this morning was the same question I have been asking myself ever since that time when I started questioning God (that was in college):

After all the things I went through, am going through, and may still have to go through, how do I trust you?

What is the point of praying for these 3 things which are so important to me? Ang sakit dahil hindi mo binibigay. Ayoko nang mag-expect. Hindi ko na nga alam kung papalitan ko na nga lang ba yung prayer, tutal mukhang no na talaga ang sagot mo doon sa isa.

Siguro I am just feeling lost. Obviously, ang daming hadlang para mangyari yung 3 big wishes. At honestly, hindi ko na alam anong gagawin ko. I am torn between being hopeful pa rin, and just being realistic. There's a chance these prayers may not happen. Damn.

Naalala ko nanaman tuloy ang Serenity Prayer:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (mukhang Prayer 1 falls under this category)

The courage to change the things I can (I think Prayers 2 and 3 fall under this category)

And the wisdom to know the difference. (Did I classify the 3 prayers correctly?)

Hay, ewan. Ngayong naisulat ko na, ayoko muna isipin. Ganun na ko napagod. Ang tagal na ng mga prayers na ito. Baka naman one day, I'd be ready to deal with them. Again.

Food: Fried Chicken and Gravy

So, today, I decided to do something different for dinner. I dropped by the grocery, and bought ingredients for.....

Fried chicken, gravy, and mashed potato.

(Note to people who do not know me personally: I don't know how to cook, and I am not particularly talented when it comes to anything kitchen-related.)

I dropped the mashed potato idea for tonight.

I bought two kinds of breading mixes: McCormick's lemon and pepper, and Crispy Fry original. I liked how both tasted, although the former was obviously tastier.

After frying the chicken (note: I managed not to burn it), I tried making home-made gravy. I saw a recipe on the web.

Grabe. I was glad my housemate was there to rescue me. I didn't know what to do with the chicken broth, and why my gravy wasn't turning sticky. We decided to put a bit more cornstarch.

Now, I did not take a photo of it, but here's how it looked. Do you remember those pastes in colored tubes which we used to have in preschool? It looked like that, only this one's yellow. Yes, yellow (because of the chicken cubes) and not your KFC/Jollibee/McDonald brown gravy.

I wouldn't really mind the look, if only it tasted like gravy. But imagine your noodle soup, where you placed too little water. That would be very salty. Or imagine broth cubes dissolved in less than the prescribed amount of water. My gravy tasted like chicken broth cubes dissolved in too little water. It was VERY, VERY salty.

So to put all the description together: My homemade gravy was a yellow, really sticky liquid which tasted like chicken broth cubes dissolved in very little water. With a dash of pepper.

I decided to give it another try. I found another recipe on the web. The end product was almost like the first one, except that while the first was consistently sticky, this one was even sticker and lumpy. (When I had to throw away my first gravy, I simply poured it in the kitchen sink. The second gravy I had to throw in the biodegradable garbage can. It was so sticky and lumpy it would clog our sink.)

The third gravy was the closest I got to a real, commercial gravy. It was very light brown in color. The consistency was just right. But my housemate told me it was walang lasa. It was bland.

I love gravy. I think I'll try this again next time. But I'll have a gravy mix too, in case the homemade recipe is again a flop.

Life: Si Mama at ang Blush-on

Hindi kasi kasama sa hobby ko ang pag-make up. Pero dahil dumadami na ang mga pagkakataon na kailangang mag-makeup, at dahil paminsan-minsan feel kong maging girl, bumili na ako ng blush-on.

Tapos kahapon, bago umalis ng bahay, nakita ako ni mama na nag-aapply ng blush on. Maliit lang kasi yung brush which came with the set. Ang hirap mag-apply. Sabi ni mama sakin: "Hindi ganyan! Hindi pabilog. Dapat pataas," sabay kuha ng brush at siya na ang naglagay. Sabi ko nga, mali ang strokes ko ng brush.

Natawa lang ako sa itsura naming dalawa. Kung kailan ako malapit nang mag-30, chaka palang ako natututong mag-makeup. Actually nagreklamo rin siya sa lipgloss ko. "Ano ba yang lipstick mo, parang wala." Or something to that effect. Hindi pa rin ako sanay sa lipstick. Masaya pa ko sa lipgloss. Pag dumating na yung day na gumagamit na ko ng lipstick kahit di special occasion, yun, girl na girl na ko! :P

Life: Ang mga Dapat

Kanina, habang nasa jeep pauwi sa boarding house, naisip ko, ay naku, para mag-survive sa buhay na 'to, dapat handa kang madisappoint. Na matanggap mong ang nangyayari sa buhay mo ngayon, o nangyari na, ay sobrang layo sa gusto mo sanang mangyari para maging masaya ka.

Nung mas bata pa ko, naisip ko, nakakasama rin pala ang pagtuturo sa mga bata tungkol sa mga ideyal na bagay. Dapat ang karanasan ng isang bata habang lumalaki ay ganito. Dapat ang pamilya ay ganito. Dapat ang isang babae ay ganito. Dapat. Dapat. Dapat. Panay ideyal. Akala mo tuloy, pag ang layo ng nangyayari sayo sa sana'y dapat, may mali--sayo, sa buhay mo, sa mundo, sa lahat.

Siguro nga may mali. Pero dapat yata tinuro din na napakaraming beses na malayo sa ideyal ang totoong buhay.

At sana mas maaga kong natutunang ok lang pala yun. Ganyan ang buhay. Hindi perpekto. Di kasalanan ni God. Di ko kasalanan.

Oo, may mga "dapat," may mga itinuturing tayong ideyal na sitwasyon at kondisyon. Pero di ganun ang buhay. At ok lang.

Naniniwala rin naman akong may mga sitwasyon na makakabuting sikapin mapag-inam pa ang isang kalagayan, lutasin ang isang problema.

Pero naniniwala rin akong normal lang na "abnormal" ang buhay. Madalas. At ok lang yon. At kasabay siguro ng pagtuturo ano ang "dapat" o ideyal, sana may paraan para maituro rin pano mo tatanggapin, at ano ang gagawin mo, kapag napakalayo ng karanasan mo sa sinasabi nilang "dapat."

Malayo sa "dapat" ang ilang aspeto ng buhay ko. Daanin na lang natin sa buntong hininga ang mga bagay na yan. Wala na kong magagawa. Gagawin ko na lang ang alam kong tama.

Siguro naman, mas marami pang masasayang surpresa ang buhay.

Life: Cooking Atbp.

Grabe. Ang saya. Pero bago ko sabihin kung bakit, let me provide an introduction. Ganito kasi yun...

May dalawang bagay na, habang lumalaki ako, na-realize ko di ko forte. One was sports. The other was cooking. There had been times when I tried to be good at those things, pero my attempts failed. Siguro it also did not help that, when it came to cooking, ang daming critics during those few times na sinubukan kong magproduce ng something edible. Plus the fact na dahil impatient ako, or mahilig mag-mulitasking, nasusunog ang niluluto ko. And there were people at home who can cook anyway, so why bother to try?

So I grew up believing I can't do both.

Pero ngayong nasa boarding house ako, eh, medyo nagsasawa na ko sa mga nakakain ko. Mahal naman bumili ng food palagi. Tapos, maraming talipapa sa malapit. So what about giving cooking another try?

So today, sinubukan ko. First ever potato salad. May kodigo pa ako sa tabi. Oo na, potato salad lang. Kamuntik pang maging mashed potato. Pero masarap daw sabi ng housemates ko. Di ko rin forte kasi ang pagtitimpla, so super saya ko!

Hmm, susubukan kong mapasarap pa lalo sa susunod. Tapos, I'd also try something else.

Masaya matuto pag di ka pressured. At nakakaengganyo kapag successful ang mga nagagawa mo :D

Life: Samu't Saring mga Bagay

This post does not intend to convey any deep realization in life. I just want to write lots of things which happened today, or rather yesterday (it's past 12 midnight already).

I was able to finish checking the questionnaires I had to check. So I was able to go to the forum co-organized by our office on children in the urban environment. Yes!

Then, about 30 minutes before midnight, I was able to finally finish revising Chapter 1 of the long-overdue final report for one of our projects. Grabe, na-challenge ang writing, rewriting, editing, and sociological thinking skills ko (lahat na!), and I realized how much more I had to learn. Pero the point is, it's finally done! Four chapters na lang! Weeh!

The brewed coffee served by the caterer during the forum was super masarap. I definitely look forward to getting another cup tomorrow.

May slight damage na ang aking new black shoes! (If I'm not mistaken, this is only the third time I've worn them.) Siguro nagasgas yung balat niya sa paa ng tables nung bumangga ako. Buti maliit lang; hmm, try ko ngang gamitan ng black pentel pen :P

Bumili na ko ng ingredients para sa potato salad. Bakit potato salad? Kasi, nasasarapan ako sa kanya (gaya ng nasasarapan ako sa mashed potatoes). Tapos, madaling gawin. As in nag-download pa ko ng recipe kahapon, pang-simple potato salad lang. Tapos nung pauwi na, dumaan ako sa mga tindahan para mamili. Nabili ko na lahat, except for mayonnaise! Kamusta naman! Kasi namahalan ako, isang maliit na sachet, P30. So nagpunta ako sa kabilang tindahan. Same sachet, P33. Naisip ko, meron pa ata akong onting mayonnaise sa ref sa boarding house kaya umuwi na lang ako. Tapos, pagdating ko, lo and behold! Wala na pala. Lumabas ako at pumuntang Pan de Manila (o di ba, napaka-convenient ng location ng aming boarding house!), at sabi sakin wala rin siilang binebentang mayonnaise!

Big deal yan dahil ilang araw na kong nag-crave for it, tapos gusto ko talaga sanang gumawa, pang-alis na rin ng stress. Isa pa, wala akong biniling dinner! Kumain naman ako sa office ng 2 tocino at 1 egg, pero walang rice so kulang na kulang na kulang yun. Nauwi ako sa all-time favorite na pansit canton, tapos fried egg. Ngayon, gutom na naman ako.

Ano pa ba? Ah, kanina sa forum ang contribution ko ay magtake ng photos. Wala lang, nagenjoy ako. Parang gusto ko nang maging role yun palagi. Enjoy, chaka feeling ko may talent ako sa ganun. Hehe :P

Ano pa? Maraming mayor sa forum, so enjoy din. Yung iba sa kanila sobrang down-to-earth, di mo aakalaing mayor.

Sa forum kanina, naisip ko, ang dami ko pang pwedeng maicontribute sa ikauunlad ng bansa at ng mundo. (Naku, teka, papunta nanaman ako sa serious na topic.) Nakakabuhay ng loob at mga pangarap, when you find yourself amidst people whose heart and minds burn with the same desire. Ok, tama na.

Masarap ang food. Favorite ko ang beef with mushroom ng Jollibee, pero mas masarap yung beef with mushroom na sinerve kanina. Pati yung lemon grass iced tea. Ika nga ng isa sa mga boss namin, she chose that caterer on the basis of their lemon grass iced tea.

O siya, yan na muna. I need to rest. Mukhang I'd be manning the publication sales tomorrow during the forum. Or rather, later.

God, thank you for that day. Amen.

Life: Grateful for my Job

It's 1:30am. Sunday. I have just almost finished revising Chapter 1 of a report for work.

I still have several things I hoped to be able to finish by tomorrow, I mean today. Hmmm.

Sabi ko kanina sa officemate ko, kung ngayon palang ganito na ang schedule ko, how much more pag narating ko na position/status ng boss ko? What would my life be like?!

So yun ang rantings ko kanina. Honestly naisip ko na mag-asawa na lang kaya ako ng mayaman? Parang ayoko naman kasing all my life I will have to work hard, and even on weekends at times. What kind of life would that be!!! Pero shempre, knowing myself, masyado mataas ang pride ko so most likely, gugustuhin ko pa ring magtrabaho at kumita rin. At given na mainipin ako, malamang lang di ako tatagal as housewife.

Sabi sa isang video na napanood ko, be grateful. Isa raw yan sa mga paraan para maging masaya. At dahil nais kong sumaya, mageenumerate ako ng mga dahilan ba't ako masaya sa trabaho. Marami na kong nabanggit dito sa blog dati, kaya malamang daragdagan ko na lang.

Not everyone is given a job. I have one.
Not everyone is in a job in line with her interests. I am in mine.
I was given an opportunity to learn more about the career I wanted to try, para malaman ko kung ito nga ang gusto ko.
I was given mentors and a working environment where I can keep learning and enhancing my skills (kahit na minsan feeling ko ang standards ay langit at ang skills ko ay nasa lupa-level palang).
Tumataas naman ang sweldo ko kahit pano.
Lumalawak ang kaalaman ko sa mundo.

At marami pang iba, pero inaantok na talaga ako.

Bukas, susubukan, sisikapin ko, with all my heart and mind power, to wake up really early. I will try to get a few more things done. Para naman mabawasan na ang mga to do ko. Nabawasan na ang pagiging workaholic ko, pero sa ngayon kasi, natatambakan na ko ng work and the only way to minimize the stress is to get several things done and out of my list of to-do.

Pagkatapos, irereward ko siguro ang sarili ko. Pagkain? New haircut? Make-up? Hmm, pag-iisipan ko. :)

Life: Lessons for the Past Half Year

Natutuwa ako. Last night, instead of plunging into work (I really have tons to do), I took the time to write down everything I want to do or to be, and the kind of future I want. I realized I was changing, and I suspected that my list of dreams now will be very different from the list I made a year ago.

But when I was done making the checklist, I realized that, aside from a few goals which no longer excite me as much as they did before, my goals remained basically the same. I think what has changed in the past months instead were the order of my priorities, coupled with the realization that I need to take different or try several other paths to get to them.

This morning, what prompted me to write this blog was a feeling of exhilaration--finally, I am picking myself up, getting back on my feet, I already know where I want to go so it's okay if I don't know yet exactly how to get there.

To others, this is no milestone. What was not obvious to many was that my decision to stay in a boarding house December last year was actually prompted by an event, piled on top of several even more painful events in the past years. And the months that followed were equally difficult and frustrating, that I found myself crying myself to sleep for many nights. I think I must have cried all the tears I should have shed in the past but did not because I had to be strong and could not give in to feelings of helplessness.

I think I saw three of my most important dreams crumble in the past months. And two of these involved other people, and were thus somewhat beyond my control. It was frustrating, and I hated being a victim of other people's decisions, failures, and other painful things they have chosen to bring into their (and my) lives.

The only thing I was certain of was I deserve to be happy, and I wanted to figure out how to survive the disappointments. By moving to a boarding house, I was able to step back, feel my pain and somehow shelter myself from even more, and from that distance, I can reflect. It was a well-deserved break. When you are under so much pressure, I realized, it was not always wise to stay amidst the chaos. Every person has limits; I already reached mine. Amidst chaos, it is difficult to see things from a broader perspective.

It was also difficult to admit that I had limitations too, and that somebody else will be under a lot of pressure because I decided to leave. But I am no superwoman, and it was quite a comfort when people finally realize that you need them to understand you too, and to think about what is best for you. But this is not easy for me, and it does bother me once in a while. I was used to giving more than receiving. But maybe it's time I learn to accept I cannot be strong all the time. I think all these is part of learning to love yourself, and having more reasonable expectations of what you can do or bear.

Recently, I have included the Serenity Prayer in my morning ritual: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." And lately, this quote has become my favorite: “The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails.”

Things may not always go as we hoped or planned. But when one dream gets busted, we can replace it with another one. In my case, I'm replacing one dream with something as close to it, but more realistic this time, with a focus on what I and people concerned may be willing to work on. As for my two or three other big dreams, I'm keeping them. I will just probably try different paths.

A toast to all the dreamers and the doers!

Life: An Impending Makeover

Okay. I really, really have a lot of things to do. But somehow, I'm not in the mood to work. Siguro kasi nasira na ang momentum ko; it's a holiday and my roommate and I went to the mall, to buy some groceries and watch "Crazy, Stupid, Love."

But I think beyond that, I realized I have lots to think about. I am changing, as well as my priorities. There are certain realities I need to deal with.

Hay, sige na nga, I'll start rethinking my goals and dreams. My path now is bringing me close to one dream, but away from another. Or baka naman disillusioned lang ako sa ngayon.

Let's see.

Life: Now what?

For the past weeks, I got really, really frustrated. Because there were some things, some prayers, which were not being granted. I mean, some of my big prayers were not granted before. Natanggap ko na yun. Pero there was this one prayer, another huge prayer, I also wanted. And guess what, I'm not getting a positive answer, or even a sign, up to now.

It's difficult to keep believing a dream or a prayer would come true when you keep getting a no each time you muster the courage to take a risk, or give it a try.

I got so badly frustrated, that I was able to shut up about it for several days. Which is not normal for me. I rant when I feel bothered. I tell my friends what my problems are. When I shut up, it only means it bothers me so much I couldn't even talk about it. And that frustration was slowly spreading to other aspects of my life. For several days, or maybe weeks, I just don't feel as driven as usual. I do what I need to do, and that's it. I lost interest in pursuing what I want. I actually doubted whether I really want what I once thought I really wanted.

I was still feeling that way tonight, until I read Bo Sanchez's article about God's pruning (http://bosanchez.ph/how-to-multiply-your-harvest/). And it made me feel better. Okay, there are things I don't have, even if I want them and I feel I am ready to receive these blessings. And honestly, I still don't have the strength to get up and fight. I'm on a path of least resistance--let things happen, let the feelings flow, until you're ready to get yourself together.

But while I'm here, I'd like to take this as an opportunity to rethink my goals and my dreams. It's been a year since the time I listed my dreams down and in detail. A lot has happened and changed. And I think I may be losing interest partly also because I have outgrown some of them.

Oh well, I still don't feel completely okay. But at least I am learning to surrender. Sige na nga Lord, I believe even if I don't see. And kung di talaga pwede, gaya ng prayer ko sa inyo na mukhang no na talaga, sige na nga. Instead of focusing on what is not there, I'll try to focus on things I can still do something about. :)

Life and Faith: Surrendering Your Dream

In my previous entries, I have been talking about frustrations, disappointments, doubts, questions.

Tonight, I came across Bo Sanchez's article Have You Surrendered Your Dreams to God?. And many things he said rung true for me. But this line particularly stung:

I want you to say this prayer to God right now: “Lord, I’m trusting you. I’ll still seek my dream with joyful passion, but I will surrender my attachment to the details of my dream. I will open myself to your wonderful surprises.”

Gradually, I am learning how to do this. Ang saya lang ng feeling when, after several disappointments, I realized that I still had the same dreams. But I still need to learn more about being detached, about taking care of myself, about having fun while pursuing what you want.

Yun lang. I'm just enlightened and happy. :)

Have You Surrendered Your Dreams to God
http://bosanchez.ph/have-you-surrendered-your-dreams-to-god/

Life: Live the Questions

From the outside, it may seem like I have it all (or at least most of it) together. I was doing what I wanted in terms of career and studies. I do have plans, I have an idea what I want to do next. Etc.

Pero to be honest, while I am certain about the 10%, I am at a loss what to do with the 90%. I was actually making as little commitments as possible, because I was teaching myself to rest, that it's okay not to be an achiever all the time, that I need to take good care of myself as well.

But I am in search of something else. The not-so-happy part is, I don't know what. And this is not even something new. I have felt this before. And it's the same feeling behind some of the risks I have taken before. There's just that nagging feeling that you are in search of something. But you are clueless, and sometimes, the only thing you are certain of is that you need to make major changes in your life, because you need to begin another journey. But then that's it.

Thing is, I feel that same restlessness in the past days, right after several days, or weeks, of feeling frustrated by many things.

I hate these kinds of uncertainties. I just wish for the answer to fall from the heavens. What am I looking for? What am I in search of?

I remember now Rainer Maria Rilke's letter to a young poet. The translation of his letter read:

...I would like to beg you dear Sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.

Yes, I am trying to live the questions, although I still prefer getting the answers NOW. I am changing, and I know it. I wish I could tell people why I am doing this, why I am not doing that. I know I am already hurting people, or it seems like I am pushing them away.

I'm really sorry. I am just as restless as ever. I need the space and the time, and your understanding.

I hope this "live your questions" quest leads me somewhere. Oh, well. Sometimes, I just wish to be like other people out there, living simple, uncomplicated lives, following the usual cycle of life. Why can't I be like them? Why do I have this feeling I'm diverting from the usual cycle, from the usual expectations?

Hay, something else will make me happy. Oh well, no sense in insisting to be where you do not fit. I need to find my own place, and design my own life. God, I hope to find people who will guide me on this one. :( And I hope it's not what just popped in my head! Argh. No!

Do I Trust You Lord?

I've been playing this song over and over again. Because I keep asking myself, after the disappointments, how do I get up and trust you again, Lord? Do I trust you? Do I still believe you have good plans for my life?

I do want to trust you again. Pero ang sakit lang kasing masaktan ulit.

TWILA PARIS
"Do I Trust You LORD?"

Sometimes my little heart can't understand
"What's in Your will, what's in Your plan?"
So many times I'm tempted to ask You why,
But I can never forget it for long.
Lord, what You do could not be wrong.
So I believe You, even when I must cry.

Do I trust You, Lord?
Does the river flow?
Do I trust You, Lord?
Does the north wind blow?
You can see my heart,
You can read my mind,
And You got to know
That I would rather die
Than to lose my faith
In the One I love.
Do I trust You, Lord?
Do I trust You?

I know the answers, I've given them all.
But suddenly now, I feel so small.
Shaken down to the cavity in my soul.
I know the doctrine and theology,
But right now they don't mean much to me.
This time there's only one thing I've got to know.

Do I trust You, Lord?
Does the robin sing?
Do I trust You, Lord?
Does it rain in spring?
You can see my heart,
You can read my mind,
And You got to know
That I would rather die
Than to lose my faith
In the One I love.
Do I trust You, Lord?
Do I trust You?

I will trust You, Lord, when I don't know why.
I will trust You, Lord, till the day I die.
I will trust You, Lord, when I'm blind with pain!
You were God before, and You'll never change.
I will trust You.
I will trust You.
I will trust You, Lord.
I will trust You.

"When push comes to shove, you taste what you're made of..." It's a line from a song I liked.

But right now, I do not feel the message that song was supposed to send out. Pretty soon, I'm going to either snap or shut down. And probably the only things that's holding me together are (1) the few people who had been my sounding board lately; (2) my warrior spirit, although my well of hope had started drying up a long time ago; (3) my hope that God will reverse my misfortunes.

I honestly never realized that my decisions to pursue my dreams, be responsible, and make things easier for others will put me in this position. Ever. And I still do not see a clear sign that says: "Sure way out."

Pressure is coming from almost all directions. I am trying to bend without breaking. But damn it, if I get out of all these mess alive, I will never never forget this period of my life. Never.

Now, I will start making changes I need to make to get out of this alive. It will not be easy for me, and it will probably be even harder to people who would see me change. Pasensiya na, but there are lessons we all need to learn the hard way. I am really trying my best for my love to be both tough but gentle. Sana lang, I will always have a source of love and strength. Because right now, mine is running dry.

Pero what's new? Hindi naman ito first time na sinagad ako ng life. Pero sana sapat na yung mga dati. Hindi ko na kailangan malaman hanggang saan ako tatagal. Hindi na ako interested malaman. And what probably hurts most is pag wala ka halos masandalan, tapos kailangan mo pang maging matatag para sa iba.

Gusto kong sumigaw sa sobrang frustration! Oo na di perfect ang buhay. Pero naman! Sana pag sagad na tama na!

Pero shempre kailangan kong kumalma, at ngumiti. Kasi in a few minutes, I have a work-related meeting.

I woke up around 630pm. I was lying in bed for more than 30 minutes. I could feel my body was still aching from weeks of working hard, lacking rest, staying up late til the wee hours of morning. I honestly feel like I've reached my limit. Next time I make a list of goals, I'd factor in the fact that our bodies need to rest, we need to take regular breaks, and that our bodies have limits too.

I was feeling frustrated na rin by many things. Problems which keep cropping up, or piling up. I feel like I should have done this or that. Hay, I think sometimes, setting too many goals and standards is just not humane. Then, my mind started making a checklist of blessings I have received so far, of goals that were met--I was able to keep my commitment to help send my brother to school, got my postgrad studies diploma, passed the boards, got a chance to do research in an agricultural area.

Pero honestly, for my 28th birthday, I think I'm going to do some changes in my list of goals. I'd add having relaxing weekends, being able to get enough sleep, learning to draw boundaries, going out with friends, pursuing other hobbies and living out the Serenity Prayer.

As for finally meeting the person to spend the rest of my life with, I don't know if I should pray for him now. Naisip ko lang, at this point, I think the kindest thing that I can do for myself is to let myself enjoy being single. As in. Kung makilala ko na siya now, well and good, pero hindi ako nagmamadali. Titiisin ko lang naman ang pang-aasar ng mga tao. Pero kaya ko na yun. Naman!

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next. Amen.

Read more: http://www.allaboutprayer.org/serenity-prayer.htm#ixzz3qEMWB3al

Life: A Bucket List

A Bucket List

This is a list-in-progress. It feels nice to have things to work on and look forward to. Here's my bucket list for this lifetime.

1. Be surrounded by loved ones
2. Stay pretty
3. Pay people forward, by helping send someone to school, by passing on what I know to others, etc.
4. Play the guitar well
5. Learn to dance
6. Be good at at least one sport. Kahit 1 lang!
7. Be able to take a vacation in at least one place per continent (yes, including Antarctica)
8. Learn to play these songs... and for them to ring true for me (hay!)
a. Bless the Broken Road (Rascal Flatts)
b. Terrified (Katharine Mcphee)
9. Make a difference.
10. Climb Mt. Pulag
11. Go to Sagada
12. Go to Batanes
13. Be able to apologize to people I have offended before
14. Gain financial freedom
15. uhm, sakin na lang yung item na to :P

Life: Preparing for Day 2

Today was Day 1 of our environmental planning board exam. There were 200 questions. We were given from 8am til 2pm (no breaks) to answer the exam. Before 11am, my head was already aching. It was a multiple choice exam.... some questions were easy, particularly those related to research methods. I was silently thanking my professors in college and in my MA class for their lectures.

But there were many questions I really didn't know. Many of the options were also confusing, more like trick questions. So I spent a lot of time selecting answers through an elimination process, or best guess, or "what sounds right" method, if you can call that a method. I think this triggered my migraine.

We were discussing the questions, and our answers (and rationalizations for choosing those) on our way home. We were laughing at how we chose our answers on those items we really did not encounter during the review. Our reasons ranged from deep, to whatever we recalled, to whatever made sense, or to what sounded right.

The discussions were funny. But later on, it begins to dawn on you... shoot, your answers on those items were wrong. Moreso as you go home and start to prepare for Day 2, and you encounter the questions you weren't able to answer this morning.

Honestly, I was losing hope already.

But still, I decided to pick up my notebook and a book I borrowed. With my migraine gone, I intend to spend the night studying. I know I am not prepared for this exam. But I'm giving this one my best shot. It's too late to aim to be among the topnotchers.... I should have started seriously studying a hell lot earlier. But I'm sure I want to pass, and even if I don't, I'd still feel much much better knowing that I gave it my best, whatever "best" meant given the limited time and energy I have left before tomorrow's exam.

I know some of those taking this exam are second-time takers. I surely hope all of us would pass, most especially those who had to muster the courage and dedicate time to take this exam again.

------------------------------------------

The things that kept me company during my review:

My housemate's study desk, books, and review materials; Mama's laptop


My water bottle


Coffee (ofcourse)


Cookies (which I also brought on the first day of the exam)


My huggable pillow, a gift from my sister

Life: Dream Notebook

While feeling overwhelmed by everything I need to get done--today and in the coming days and weeks--I opened my dream notebook (my expanded version of the LOJ's Novena to God's Love). And I was reminded of two things: first, the deeper reasons why I am doing what I do now, and secondly, the things I should not take for granted as I take the path I have chosen.

I drew strength from the first. The things I am doing now are among things I need to go through to reach my dreams; they are part of the path I have chosen both as a career and vocation.

The second brought me back to the present. It helps to take your eyes off the future and live in the now. I have many blessings now which I should also take care of--my health, my family, my friends, my faith. Opportunities to enjoy whatever life offers me now.

Life: I'm Scared

As most people around me know all too well, the past few weeks had been busy, a whirlwind to be more precise. I was involved in two projects, I was finishing a racket that took me longer to finish than I had expected, schedules more moving, activities were leading to even more meetings and were occupying my weekends. And to top it all off, I had to review for my board exam. (Oh, I no longer mentioned social commitments I was no longer able to attend to.)

Life had been crazy. Last Tuesday morning, I sat at the sofa in my officemate's room. I was tired. TIRED. As in my muscles were aching from lack of rest (I've been working even on weekends.) I was complaining to her, telling her what happened to our activities in the past days, but sharing with her too that so far, everything was going well. She told me: "Di ako naaawa sayo. Kasi masaya ka sa ginagawa mo." She even noted that while I was complaining, I was actually smiling.

True. I had been happy. I wasn't happy about the promises I had to break though. That would be a separate topic for another day.

Let me now tell you why I'm blogging.

I need an outlet. Because I feel really scared.

Today's a Friday, and on Tuesday and Wednesday, I'm taking the environmental planning board exams.

With my schedules in the past weeks, I had little to no time to study. Now, I've been trying to study, almost as if there's no more tomorrow. I was forcing my brain cells to absorb as much as they can. And I have a hell lot more to read.

As much as possible, I have refrained from telling people that I am taking the exam. My family and a few friends, plus of course my housemates who are witnesses to my crazy life lately, know. My officemates know too, as well as my mentor. But as work schedules and deadlines were beginning to hit the last few days before the board exams, I had to tell my other supervisor and another colleague as well, that I cannot deliver some reports yet, or attend some meetings, because I need to study.

The point is I didn't want to tell people because I don't know if I'd pass.

Some people are confident that I will pass. A few expect me to be a placer (gulp). I do have a knack for passing exams. However, I don't see myself as "infallible." I know I can't win every battle. And besides, I had been happy with my work, even if it took much of the time I intended for studying. I don't regret the commitments I kept in the past weeks. I wouldn't have had it any other way.

But I'm really scared. It's been a while since I have been this anxious over an exam. Siguro the last one was in 2007, when I took the entrance test for my MA in UP. Passing that exam meant a lot to me.

Now, here comes another one. I have almost never failed in exams like these. But I do realize I am not prepared. And while I do not wish to put too much pressure on myself to pass, I know that people are expecting me to pass, and that my mentor/boss was right when she said that the first failure will hurt (or something to that effect). I know she is right.

So now, I'm trying to pour my energies into passing. I want to cry. I do regret cramming. Buti na lang I like the things I'm reading, and I'm already imagining myself practicing this profession, helping disadvantaged municipalities make their land use and development plans.

Siguro, more than passing, I just have to focus on that--I'm taking this not just for the sake of my career, but because it's part of the vocation I have chosen to take.

Grabe, God, I hope you bless this dream the way you have been blessing the others that have now come true. And on those times when my intentions are going astray, remind me of why I chose this path. Amen.

Life: When I Reach 30

Yesterday, I was telling some of my housemates that by the time I reach my 30s and I am still not married (or not in a serious relationship), and my family and I are financially stable, I'd make drastic changes in my life.

I will go abroad, preferrably Europe. Then take an 8-5 job (i.e., one where your tasks are light, and no need to work overtime or even on weekends). I do love my current job, even if at times you'd have to work really hard. But at times, I also dream of a simpler life.

I love coffee. So I imagine myself working in a coffee shop in Europe. And yes, cleaning tables. Greeting customers, taking their orders, making their coffee, then shouting "Frappuccino for ...." After work, I'd take my backpack, walk the streets of a European country, eat at one of those restos along the street, pasta most likely. Drink coffee. Read a book.

Or I'd go with my bestfriend to New Zealand. I'd find a job there. Then every morning, I'd have to wake up early to milk the cow. After work, I'd go to my home, surrounded by fields, be welcomed by my dog, and probably a few sheep.

I told my officemate about this. I could tell she did not believe me. She actually betted I won't last for a year, probably just a month.

She has a point.

I could bet that I wouldn't simply be working in a coffee shop. I'd probably be the owner of it too. Or that small farm in New Zealand... I'd probably find a way to turn it into a business.

Or I'd be getting part-time jobs, most likely research or planning-related, in a university in the area, or in their government.

Or I'd be joining a cause-oriented group. Or a religious group.

Anyway, that's the simple life I'm dreaming about. Here's the other option.

While browsing the Net, I came across Doctors Without Borders. This reminded me of another dream.

I just wanted to work for things that will help make life better for people. When I am passionate about something, I can pour myself into it.

If I don't pursue that simple life I'm dreaming about, I'd probably find a bigger cause to be part of. I'd go places, learn about the plight of others, try to find out how I can also help.

It will be far from the simple life I am dreaming of, but so worthwhile.

My fear though is that when I pursue the latter, I may not have the "normal" life--have a family of my own, be happily married and raising our kids.

But then again, it's too early to say that my dreams are "mutually exclusive." Who knows, maybe life will be generous with me, and I'd one day get "the best of both worlds."

Life: Maraming salamat!

Dear Mr.,

Wala lang. Yesterday, I was with 3 friends. We joined a run, Walk the World 2011, a fundraising event for projects of the United Nations World Food Programme.

Since we started joining runs last year, one of my friends and I somehow got a bit hooked, hoping to finish faster on the next run. The runs we would join, we told ourselves, would depend on the price (hehe) and the cause. When she saw the ad to this one, she forwarded it to us.

It was just a nice feeling to have joined and finished yesterday's 5k run. First, it was the first run of 2 of our friends. Secondly, we had been hearing about World Food in our research on the assistance received by communities after Tropical Storm Ondoy/Typhoon Pepeng hit Luzon in 2009. It felt good to know we are contributing to their projects too (particularly for the emergency school feeding program in areas in Central Mindanao).

Third, we were able to finish the run, though it took me and my friend longer to finish this time than before. With our schedules in the past weeks, and with the rainy weather, all of us were almost never able to do preparations. I also wasn't able to get enough sleep the night before, as I had to coordinate several things for two work-related activities the next day.

And last but not the least, we had fun taking photos!

So, why am I thanking you? You didn't run with us; you weren't even there to congratulate us; you didn't even know I was joining this event.

Because of you, what started as curiosity to runs/marathons, has gradually become an interest. But honestly, my interest in this still do not equal my love for research, reading, and writing, but I found it challenging, and when done with friends, fun too. I do not intend nor dream of ever being able to run long distances, the way you could. Gosh, I still can't picture myself running or even walking for more than an hour! 5 kilometers remains to be a challenge to me.

But if I didn't meet you, I can't imagine ever trying to join a fun run. Then, I wouldn't even know I can actually practice and run continuously for more than a kilometer. While I did jog, my jogs with my officemates were kinda "cute," I don't exert too much effort, and I stop quickly once I start feeling tired.

So yun, thank you. Sayang I do not have the courage, and it may not be appropriate, to let you know this. Pero salamat talaga. If I had not known it was possible for human beings to run for more than 4 hours straight, I would probably not be challenged to run for more than 10 minutes straight. Hehe.

Wala lang, whenever I would look back, I realize there are many people who come into my life ... several may not have become companions, but did leave their marks. I am happy about the mark you left, or at least the change that happened, with a few remarks of yours.

Yun lang. I hope wherever you may be, you are happy, you are successful, you are blessed.

Faith/Music: Pilgrim's Theme

I love the refrain, and the a capella rendering of this song by Hangad (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lsmkpnpar_U).....

Pilgrim's Theme

Tired of weaving dreams too loose for me to wear
Tired of watching clouds repeat their dance on air
Tired of getting tied to doing what's required
Is life a mere routine in the greater scheme of things?

Through with taking roads someone else designed
Through with chasing stars that soon forget to shine
Through with going through one more day - what's new?
Does my life still mean a thing in the greater scheme of things?

REFRAIN 1:
I think I'll follow the voice that calls within
Dance to the silent song it sings
I hope to find my place
So my life can fall in place
I know in time I'll find my place
In the greater scheme of things

Each must go his way, but how can I decide?
Which path I should take, who will be my guide?
I need some kind of star to lead me somewhere far
To find a higher dream in the greater scheme of things

The road before me bends, I don't know what I'll find
Will I meet a friend or ghosts I left behind?
Should I even be surprised that You're with me in disguise?
For it's Your hand I have seen in the greater scheme of things (REFRAIN 1)

BRIDGE:
For Yours is the voice in my deepest dreams
You are the heart, the very heart
Of the greater scheme of things (REFRAIN 1)

REFRAIN 2:
Why don't we follow the voice that calls within
Dance to the silent song it sings
One day we'll find our place
For all things fall in place
For all things have a place
In the greater scheme of things



A view of the ceiling of the church in UP Diliman, a few weeks after Easter (May 2011)

Life: I am a Researcher

I woke up early today to start preparing for our fieldwork. I forced myself to get up at around 530am. We finished with the courtesy calls, meetings, discussions, and drivethroughs in our study sites in Caloocan and Valenzuela at around 6pm. I arrived at the boarding house at 7pm. It was a long, tiring, yet fun day.

This is one aspect of my work life. Let me give you a broader glimpse of what my life is like, and some of the reasons why since I graduated in 2005, I have never left the social development and research world.

I am a researcher in a research institution of a university in the Philippines. Most of the researches I have been involved in were related to urban and social development concerns.

Several times, people have asked me whether I’m happy in my job. I graduated from this university in 2005, and have been in this kind of job, and within the same campus, albeit with two employers, ever since. As a researcher, I am project-based, and thus would not become a permanent employee of the university. There are other ways of becoming one, but that would also depend on my finishing my masters thesis, and a slot for a permanent position opening up in the department I’d like to be part of.

My employers have always tried to give me the best pay they could give, given the salary grade of the university. I have quite a simple lifestyle, so my pay should have been more than enough, except that I did have other responsibilities right after I graduated. I took sidelines on top of my day job—and those helped pay the bills and other responsibilities I had, my masters tuition and fees, plus a few things to spoil myself, such as a bit of travel. But compared with some of my batchmates, I am earning less, and with no tenure security, I actually do find myself at times with financial woes.

But let me now tell you why, even with all these, I chose to stay in this kind of work. Let me share with you what my everyday is like.

As a field researcher, I can go to the office any time I choose. I don’t get paid for overtime, but that’s okay. Hawak ko ang oras ko. I own my time, and I am in control of how I spend it. Being a night person, and being someone who resists rigid structures and rules, this setup is heaven for me.

There are days, weeks, and even months, when all you’d do is read, type, and write. When you’d have to go through papers, reports, over and over and over again, looking for this or that, making sure you understood things correctly, editing the report until it is as close to perfect as you can make it.

But each project is in itself a new challenge. There’s always something new to learn, a new place to go to, new people to deal with. Another aspect of society you could know, another aspect of yourself you’d have to enhance.

Some days are hell. You’d work your butt off to meet deadlines. At times, you’d get lectures for not being able to meet standards, or just failing to deliver. But some days are light. You can work at your own pace.

When you’re in the office, you’d have time to have lunch with your officemates. Many times during the day, you can share bits of stories, and food, or simply tease each other, or provide moral support when one feels burdened by life’s many complications and even one’s workload. Most of the time, you own your evenings and can spend it with family, friends, or you can spend the night reflecting or sleeping. Or you can take graduate studies.

Our office is located in a campus sprawling several hectares. The campus’ main road is lined with big trees. There are lots of open spaces. It’s a peaceful place. You can jog when you want to. You can take a walk. You can go to the church.

In many ways, research has opened my eyes to the realities of life beyond my comfort zone, beyond what I see everyday. My understanding of social problems deepened. It has at times further ignited my hope to be of help to others. There’s always that wish that while you can’t implement programs, the research that you do will one day be used to help other communities, or at least to testify to the resilience and the good will and perseverance of urban poor communities and individuals and groups involved in social development work.

There are times, especially when I’m asked to rewrite chapters of what I have written, when I just feel down, even incompetent. If I had a white flag with me, and my boss were in front of me, I would have waved it several times already. Unfortunately, if I wanted to be a good researcher, I have to seize the opportunity to learn how to do things well. Therefore, I have not yet bought a white flag, nor started making one. During such times, honestly, I drag myself to get the report done, knowing that most likely my boss will ask me to redo parts of the report again. (Sigh!)

Going on fieldwork means being on jeans and a shirt and rubber shoes—a far cry from the corporate attire. It means going where the people are—whether that be a government office at the heart of the city or one in the less developed areas of the country, a slum area in the city, or one located near a dead river, or in an area once used as a dump site. When you have to be out there, you’d be out there—whether or not the sun is shining, stepping either on dusty roads or muddy ones, walking both on concrete roads and narrow, winding alleys, or crossing bridges, whether these be concrete or makeshift. When you’re lucky, you’ll have a van to bring you to these places. But most of the time, you’ll have to take public transport: jeepneys, buses, tricycles, bikes.

This may all sound inconvenient. But this is a life I love. I am a researcher, and (supposedly) a social scientist. The world and the people I need to understand are out there. So I have to go there. Reading about the world is so different from learning and seeing things on your own. And after every project, you realize so much more, and you feel that you are able to learn so much more than what you have shared.

At times, I do dream of the corporate life. That dream has never completely left me. I wanted to often wear a corporate attire, even a coat, walk in heels, enter one of those skyscrapers or well-known offices in Ayala or Ortigas. Just wanted to know what it’s like to be sosyal most of the time. I guess I just wanted to know what else I can do, or can be, what else life can offer.

But for now, I am happy where I am. I need to write this down first, to explain myself to those who do not understand why I keep doing what I do, and second, to remind myself of the many perks of my job.

There are many things I have not mentioned here. Many people—colleagues, acquaintances, coworkers, friends, mentors, bosses—who make my stay worthwhile.

I do remember earlier this year, during a job interview (yes, when my previous contract was about to end, I did start looking for a new job), something I told the interviewer. It was also something I repeated to my sister today. Importante sakin na araw-araw, masaya ako sa ginagawa ko. Many would think of financial security first. To me, that’s okay, especially for those who have more responsibilities than I have. But financial security is only second in my list of priorities. I know what I want to do. I’d like to wake up each morning and feel happy, knowing that I am where I wanted to be. I’d like to stay in a path I believe in, one that matches my skills and my passion, because I believe this is also where I can contribute the most and have the highest chances of succeeding. And if life ends suddenly, I have less regrets, because I simply did not invest in a good future; I, at the same time, did enjoy the present.

To the reader, whoever you are, wherever you may be, I hope that you’d also know this kind of feeling and sense of fulfillment, if not in all aspects of life, at least on those that mean the most to you.

And if you think I am able to stay where I am because I am lucky, let me tell you that many times, there was no path immediately ahead of me. But when I chose to stay and keep walking (and kept praying), paths appeared where there used to be none. At times, you'd bump into people who would help open doors of opportunities for you. I did gamble. I did risk. I did cry. I did feel like I already wanted to give up. I do at times still feel frustrated.

To quote Paulo Coelho: “Dreamers cannot be tamed.” Well, at least not too easily. So let us be dreamers. And doers. Open yourself to the blessings that are yet to come.

Stay hopeful. Stay faithful. Stay blessed.

Bohol: Cathedral of St. Joseph and the Plaza

1 May 2011

I'm at home. It's a hot, listless afternoon. I wanted to sleep, but the file I had to upload and send is taking forever to be uploaded.

So while waiting, let me share with you another part of our visit in Bohol last February. Another favorite.

On our last day in Bohol, we decided to visit the church in Tagbilaran. We couldn't go too far from the city as we need to be at the airport before noon.

We entered the Cathedral of St. Joseph. It was a big church, and also quite old. A sign placed by the National Historical Commission says that the original church was built by the Jesuits on this site in the 1500s.







After saying a short prayer, we went around the church for a while, then walked to the plaza right across the cathedral. It was still early when we got there, and a few people were sitting at the benches at the sides of the plaza. On one end of the plaza is a gazebo. The gazebo, to my surprise, was filled with doves. Doves were flying around the plaza. I find this an unusual site--to see doves flocking in places where humans also are.

Amused by such a sight, my friend and I took photos. Then, a mother decided to feed the doves, who immediately flocked at her feet and around her children.

Later on, my friend and I sat on one of the benches. I bought two pandesal from a nearby store. We then fed the doves, who gathered close to our feet, stayed on the bench next to us, and came as close as the armrest of the bench we were sitting on.

That made my day. I love animals, and I love the fact that these doves felt safe in this place.

Life: A Pilgrim on Another Journey

30 April 2011

Ok. This is my second entry on dying.

The other day, I was worried about being very ill that I cried.

The day after that (if I remember it correctly), I borrowed a book, Like a Flowing River by Paulo Coelho. It contained short stories and essays. One of them was on death. Below are some parts from two of the short stories.

“People do not think very much about death. They spend their life worrying about absurdities; they put things off, and fail to notice important moments. They don’t take risks, because they think it’s dangerous. They complain a lot, but are afraid to take action. They want everything to change, but they themselves refuse to change.

If they thought a little more about death, they would never forget to make that much-postponed phone call. They would be a little crazier. They would not be afraid of this incarnation coming to an end because you cannot fear something that is going to happen anyway.

The Indians say: ‘Today is as good a day as any to leave this world. And a wise man once said: ‘Death is always sitting by your side so that, when you need to do something important, it will give you the strength and the courage that you need.’

I hope that you, dear reader, have got this far. It would be foolish to be frightened by death, because all of us, sooner or later, are going to die. And only those who accept this fact are prepared for life.”


“I know it’s not a topic anyone likes to think about, but I have a duty to my readers – to make them think about the important things in life. And death is possibly the most important thing. We are all walking towards death, but we never know when death will touch us and it is our duty, therefore, to look around us, to be grateful for each minute. But we should also be grateful to death, because it makes us think about the importance of each decision we take, or fail to take; it makes us stop doing anything that keeps us stuck in the category of the ‘living dead’ and, instead, urges us to risk everything, to bet everything on those things we always dreamed of doing, because, whether we like it or not, the angel of death is waiting for us.”

--- Like the Flowing River, Paulo Coelho


I felt like I was being reassured by God that things will be alright. Life ends. That’s a fact everyone has to live with.

In my previous entry, I wrote that I am happy with where I am and the things I have done. I will not describe my life as adventurous. It may actually appear boring and plain to many. It was simple, quiet, content in many ways. It was filled with pain and fear, but also peace and contentment that I rarely spoke of, but manifested itself in the way I lived my life. While parts of it had been too “safe” as I had deliberately avoided risks, others showed my resilience, my determination to pursue some of my dreams.

While I have not always been an expressive person, I tried to show my love and concern through my actions. As such, my love has been, for much of my life, lived but unspoken. And it was not demonstrated through hugs or kisses, although I have been trying to do more of both. My love is expressed in my trying to shield people from more pain, in trying to provide for others’ needs, in listening, in giving advices. I loved, but not in ways many would recognize as expressions of love. I show my love through those things I do best. I am now trying to be a bit bit more expressive, though that will take time. But I will keep on trying. It’s worth the effort.

Now, with one of my biggest goals achieved, which was keeping a promise I made to my family and myself after college, I told myself it is time to focus more on my life. I sometimes look back at life, and try to see what I had missed and can still do or make up for. I also try to imagine the future, and the kind of life I wanted to give to myself. In between these, I try to remain conscious of the opportunities that the present offers.

And while I continue to get a bit more excited about life, I have also become more aware of death. Soon, I’d like to start making my last will and testament. Right now, I have no treasures to pass on, hehe. But I was quite worried about what would happen to my journals and diaries! I was also thinking about my funeral photo. I think I ought to choose one now, one where I really looked good. Yes, I know I’m being vain but I’d like to look pretty till the end. :P

I thought about where I wanted my books, clothes, and other belongings to go. They aren’t many, but I’d like them to go to a worthy cause.

And I thought of the people who had made a big impact in my life and the people I love. I wanted to start making letters for them. There is so much love and gratitude, though shown, were left unsaid. I would like to put them into words. On days when they feel down and discouraged, I just hope they would open the letter and feel that their life meant a lot, it saved or inspired someone—me. On days when they just feel unloved, I wanted the letter to remind them that someone had appreciated who they are and the things they did.

I’d like my ashes to be carried by the waves and the wind. I’d like to travel to places I’ve never been to, and even those I never knew existed. But more than this, I’d like my departure to symbolize something I held dearly---remaining free … to dream, to live as I believed, to follow my heart. Breaking free from past hurts and failures. Free to start all over again.

The end will also be a beginning. I shall be a pilgrim on another journey.